Things To Say Before I Go

Chapter 32: THE END

So at this point, so many things are probably running through your mind. Did we get married, what job did we end up with, and what did my list really say? Allow me to answer all of those questions in a way that only I can (no, I am not a narcissist *wink*). 

We did get married and I ended up with my dream job as a producer. No, it's not a success story. I didn't get big and famous, but I got to do what I love. And the thing is, figuring out that producing was what I wanted to do was the best part. The whole process of figuring out what I wanted was life changing and eye opening. I was happy and I am going to be doing this for the rest of my life, I might as well be fucking happy. 

As for Nate? He has decided to do some bartending at Mike's for a while until he figures out what he really wants to do, but he decided that for the time being, that's what made him happy. And hey, at least it wasn't a strip club anymore! 

And now finally, about that list. That list is gone and no one, but me will ever know everything it said. I didn't even tell you everything on that list. Now when I say gone, I mean thrown away kind of gone. More specifically, from the top of the London Eye. 

That's right, on our honeymoon, I ripped out the pages from my notebook and crumpled them up. 

As I did, Nate, with his arm around me, asked, "What are you doing with your list? Is it done?"

I smiled and shook my head. "No," I said. "I've said it once, and I'lll say it again: I love you, Nate. More than anything. And that's all that really needs to be said." 

And with that, I threw the pages into the water below. Now, granted, it was paper, so God only knows if it ever made it to the water. All I know is, I was done with it. You might wonder why and the me from the beginning of this story might have asked the same question too. Here's why I threw that list away: life cannot be planned. 

If there is one thing I learned from my experiences here, it is just that. We as humans do our very best to control everything. We try to tame the untamable and destroy the invincible. But what we fail to recognize is that we will never fully have control over anything, even time and the places that life will take us. 

We live under a delusion that the things we do and say will affect the outcome of our lives. But life is untamable. Life is invincible (not literally). Fate chooses what happens and what doesn't, where you'll go and what you'll never get to experience. So, no, we can't control life. 

But what we can do is go with it and live. That list was feeding that delusion that even though fate was going to take me out someday that I could somehow cheat it by being able to stick around through a list of things I was too stupid, lazy, confused or whatever at the time, to say. Life is meant to be lived. The present is meant to be lived in. The future it meant to be explored when it gets there and if you try to plan for it, you miss the best parts of the present, which will quickly become your past. So if there is one thing I have to say before I go, it would be this: Live a life well lived. Fuck the rest of it. You're going to want to be smiling by the time it's all over. 

THE END