Things To Say Before I Go

Chapter 23: Jess

It had been two weeks now since Nate had let slip his idea of moving. I was surprised, honestly. It seemed out of the blue and not only that, but the idea of moving away and moving in together just seemed like a recipe for disaster. Maybe it was just my prior experience with poor relationships, but I didn't want to go down that road and not be able to get back. I brought this up to Kelsey one day at work. 

"Seriously? Did he say where he was thinking of moving?" 

I shook my head. "He just kind of put it out there that the thought had crossed his mind, but I feel like he's put more thought into this than he's letting on." 

We were eating in the break room as we were talking about this. She was collecting a piece of lettuce from her salad that fell on the table as she said, "And you know what? After all the grief he gave you about the London thing, he's almost doing the same thing to you." 

I didn't agree with that completely. "Well, kind of," she said. "He's at least telling you what he wants to do before doing it, but it almost seems like he's going to make this decision regardless of how it impacts you, like what you unconsciously did to him. You know what I'm saying?" 

Then, it started to make a little more sense. If we were in as a serious of a relationship as he said we were, he wouldn't even think about this without seriously considering how I fit in. "He hasn't given you any specific information?" 

Again, I shook my head. She sighed. "Good luck with this one, sister. I got nothing." 

I grabbed a stray piece of lettuce that was hanging out of my wrap. "He said he didn't have anything definite and that it was unlikely." I said it out loud, but mostly I think it said it more for reassurance. 

Kelsey washed down her bite of chicken with some water and said, "The real question, Jess, is that if he does decide to move, are you going to go with him?"

I stopped chewing and paused. Would I?

**************************

"Ow!" 

The frisbee landed on the ground after ricocheting off my face. I fell to the ground as Nate tackled me, both of us laughing hysterically. "Nice aim, idiot!" I gasped through my laughs. 

He laid out on the grass in Central Park. The sky was starting to get dark and the stars were just becoming visible. "Are you really okay?" he asked, still laughing a little. 

I rubbed my forehead. "I think avoided concussion, but just barely." 

He laughed and looked back at the sky. "You big baby". 

I gasped. "Fuck you," I said jokingly. 

We both took our time to catch our breath. "It's going to be a beautiful night," I said. He chuckled. "And not just because you're here," he added. 

I glared at him, but broke into a smile. I turned over on my side and faced him. He did the same thing. And there, under the light of the street lamps that were just turning on, I said, "I love you, Nate." 

This time I was able to say in a perfect setting. I just decided the first time on the phone didn't count. He didn't say a word. He just leaned over and kissed me. Then, he wrapped his arms around me and we laid there. It felt right to be back here. This is where I belonged. When we finally broke apart, he got up and held out his hand to help me up. We brushed the leaves off of ourselves. 

"So what else do you want to do?" I asked. 

He gestured towards a bench located on the bridge that ran over the river going through the park. We walked over to sit down and I rested my head on his shoulder. 

"So,..." he said open-endedly. 

I lifted my head. "Yes?" 

He looked at me. "Oh, I didn't have anything to say, I was just trying to start a conversation."

I elbowed him in the ribs. He just laughed at me. The simplicity of the moments like these were what made me smile. We didn't need to go out and do extravagant things to be happy. Sitting down and not even talking about something was enough for me to enjoy. Then, like a bad dream, the idea of Nate moving crept into my head again. I loved these moments, like I said, and the idea of them not being able to happen anymore would kill me. 

"Nate?" I said, laying myself out on the bench and placing my head on his knee. 

"Yeah?" 

"I'm scared." 

He nudged me to sit up and looked me in the eye, concerned. "Why? Scared of what?" 

I took a deep breath. "Change. The future. Everything," I said, spewing out word vomit again. "I thought with all of the changes that have happened these past couple of months that I'd reach a point of acceptance with it all and realize that's just how it was going to be. Things were going to change and maybe for the better." 

I took another deep breath. "Part of me is scared of the change. New people and new experiences. It's exciting, but mostly scary. And then the other part of me is worried that I'm too scared of change, that I could be doing something else with myself." 

He stared at me confused. "What do you mean?" 

I brushed a stray piece of hair behind my ear. "Like my job. After I got fired, I started thinking I'd have to find a totally new job. Then, when Nancy called offering me my old job back, I hesitated before taking it. I thought to myself that maybe there was something else bigger and better for me and that my original termination was a sign. Maybe I'm too scared of change to do anything out of my comfort zone and I'm, like, sandbagging myself. Like I'm going to stay in this one place when I could be doing something else. What if I'm being given these signs and I don't even know that I'm missing them or ignoring them? Does that even make sense?" 

He put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into him. "Of course it does," he said soothingly. "Sometimes, it gets overwhelming. I feel like I'm being suffocated." 

I could feel him breathing, his chest moving in and out. I felt him chuckle. "Am I suffocating you right now?" he joked.

I sat up straight, moving his arm off of me and giving him another glare. I tried pretending to be mad, but couldn't. 

"I get what you're saying, Jess," he said, pulling me back in so my head once again was resting on his shoulder. "But that's life. It's about exploration. I mean, if life were planned and mapped out for you, wouldn't you find that just the least bit boring?" He had a point. "The unknown is scary. It probably always will be. But you have to remember that you're not doing this alone." 

He lifted my head up so that I was facing him. "You're not alone, okay?" 

I nodded and I watched the smile spread across his face. He kissed my forehead and I laid back against his shoulder. I felt myself starting to fall asleep. It was probably from a mix of exhaustion and from getting so comfortable against Nate's shoulder. 

He noticed my eyes starting to close and said, "Don't forget to take in the night sky before you go." 

I took one last look up at the now darkened sky. The stars had really come out in full, like I had predicted and the moon shone bright over the water. The river acted like a mirror and reflected it beautifully. The string lights that were strewn along the posts of the bridge turned on too and we were slowly cast into a tiny little bubble of light. It was a beautiful image to see as I drifted off. 

"Don't leave me,..." I muttered to him before falling away. 

"Never," I thought I heard him say.