Lost

Chapter 1: dark

It's dark. The lights are turned off, The Script blasting through my phone as I ly on my bed, the curtains open, the only light in the room is the faint glow form the moon. There are no stars out, the clouds masking their bright light from the sky. 

It is quiet out, the sound of the wind rushing through my window is the only noise besides my music. 

I took deep breaths, trying to calm myself from my latest panic attack. 

My phone vibrated but I ignored it, letting the darkness seep into my skin. The cool breeze from the open window making goose bumps rise on my bare arms. 

I closed my eyes, strengthening the darkness even further. 

My mind travels to places I don't want it to. Making me breath heavier and heavier, short quick breaths single the hyperventilation that couples with my heart pounding to warn me of the attack that is coming. 

I can't control it. I can't breath, my mind racing through thoughts that I shouldn't be having, my nails digging into the palms of my hands, leaving marks. My eyes screw shut, shutting as tight as possible as tears run down my face. 

Why? Why me? Why does this happen to me? 

I finally control my breath, my breaths ragged, my heat still pounding. I can feel the indents my nails left in my hand. 

My eyes snap open. It is still dark. My phone vibrates again. 

I sigh, reaching over for it, picking it up and looking at the notifications. Alex texted me. Of course she did, she always does. 

Hey! :)

Emma? 

I sighed, knowing I was worrying her as I threw my phone to the side. 

I really shouldn't be alone. When I'm alone I think bad things. It's worse when I'm alone. My mind races and it won't shut the fuck up! 

How do you tell yourself to shut up? 

God dammit brain why are you so annoying? 

My phone starts to ring. 

Fuck. 

I bet that's Ally.

"Hello?" 

"Thank god!" Ally breathed. 

"Hi." I whispered. 

"Emma you can't do that to me! I thought-" she cut herself off.

I closed my eyes, thinking back to Saturday. 

Flashback 

"Are you sure?" 

"Yeah, I can't talk to my parents, I would feel better talking to yours." 

"Ok. Do you want me to be with you?" 

"Yes please." 

"At least I know everything." she smiled. Tears started to cloud my eyes, the car on but still in the parking lot. "Emma?" 

"Al, there is something I need to tell you." I whispered. 

"What is it? You can tell me anything!" she looked concerned. 

"I thought about it." 

"About what?" 

"Cutting." I said barely above a whisper. 

The car is silent. "God dammit Emma!" she yelled grabbing my wrists, pushing up my sleeves. 

"I didn't. I swear." I cried, tears pouring down my face.

 We were quiet for what seemed like hours. The only sound in the car is the air from the heater and my quiet sobs, shaking from my body. 

"Emma?"

"Are you mad at me?" 

"Yes." silence. 

"I'm sorry." I said breaking the soundless barrier between us. 

"Never. Never do that again." 

"Ok." I said looking down. 

"Do you need me to drive?" I nodded, not seeing anything through the tears clouding my eyes. 

"I'm sorry." I whispered as I hugged her. 

"Emma, I love you too much for you to do that. Please. Never again." I nodded, getting into the passenger seat of the car, remaining silent for the rest of the drive home. 

End Flashback 

"Emma, please tell me you didn't-" 

"I didn't." I cut her off. 

"Good. Are you ok?" 

"Yes." 

"Emma?" 

"No." 

"Do you want to talk about it?" 

I took in a deep breath, "No." 

So we talked about everything but that. When I hung up it was 3am. The darkness in my room will soon be filled with light, soon I will have to face a new day, hiding the pain, pretending like nothing is wrong when really I'm breaking inside ever breath I take. 

AN: 

So I hoped you liked it. And yes, the car seen (the flashback) actually did happen to me. 

Please comment and vote, I would really appreciate it. 

Thanks guys, I love you <3 

-E