Lost

Chapter 20: I know

"Em, please eat, please." I begged. 

"Harry, I'm not hungry." 

"Emma you haven't eaten all day, please just eat something, anything." I said, sliding the bowl of soup across the table." 

Emma closed her eyes, hiding her pain from me. "Em, if you don't eat you will pass out again, please, just eat something." 

It's getting worse, I can tell. She doesn't eat, she only sleeps a few hours a night. I can feel my Emma slipping away. "Harry, I'm fine." 

"If you don't let me call the doctor I'm going to the office myself." 

"Harry I told you I don't need help." 

"Emma, you have stopped eating." 

"Can you please stop treating me like a child!?" she yelled. She isn't herself. I thought things would get better when I finally asked her out, I thought I could show her that someone really does care. I was wrong. She is distancing herself. She hasn't talked to Ally in months, her parents in weeks. All she does is sit and stare into space. 

"Emma, baby, please. Can't you see what you are doing to yourself? Emma, please." 

He was crying. I have never seen him cry like this before. "Harry, I'm trying here." 

"Then let me help. Let me call the doctor!" 

"I'm not going to let some shrink ask me questions about my feelings all day long!" 

"Can you try one? For me?" 

I sighed, he looked helpless. I can see myself tearing him down, he used to smile all day, and goof off. Now I can see the bags under his eyes, the sadness in his face, I will not let myself pull him under with me. If it takes me going to a shrink to make him happy again I will. I''ll do anything. 

"Ok." he smiled, "but let me call." 

"Thank you!" he whispered, hugging me. "I love you." 

Am I a bad person for not loving him back? He loves me with every cell in his body and I can't bring myself to trust anyone with anything, let alone my heart. 

"Harry?"

"Yeah?" 

"I'm sorry." I said, I can feel the tears in my eyes. "For not loving you back. I'm trying! I really am! But every time I think about it I think about all the bad that could happen. Harry I have put my trust in too many people for them just to throw it back in my face," 

"Baby." Harry smiled, pulling me into a hug, "I get it. I will wait because I know that it's along road, for the both of us, but I'm willing to hike it i you are." 

I nodded and he bent down and kissed my lips. We have only been dating for three weeks and already I feel like I couldn't live without him. Harry is my rock, without him I would probably be six feet under by now. 

Every time I pick up a knife or a bottle of pills I think about him, about keeping him safe and happy. That's all that matters right now, not my health, or anything else. Just Harry. I have to be strong for Harry. 

"I'm willing." I said, as he broke the kiss. I'm getting better with the human contact thing. I'll let him kiss me in private, and hold my hand around the boys but that's about it. I feel bad because I know he loves me and will do anything for me but I'm not willing to go any farther than a peck on the lips. I feel like a terrible girlfriend, like he will drop me for someone who will reciprocate his feelings and give him more than I am willing. I'm just not ready for any of it. 

 "Now. Will you please eat something?" I nodded, knowing that this will hurt. It takes every ounce of will power I have to finish that bowl. I have't finished a whole dinner in weeks but the happy look on Harry's face tells me I did a good job. 

"Can we go to a movie or something?" I asked. I'm stuck being in this hotel room. We have been in Ireland for three days and Harry barley lets me out. We are here a few days extra to give Niall some time with his friends so tomorrow is our last day. 

"What if they see us?" 

"Hats?" 

Harry sighed, he hates going out, just the two of us. Not because he is embarrassed of me, but because he knows the rumors and the hate spike when we are seen in public, even if we are with the guys. 

"Fine." 

"Thank you!" I said, hugging him. 

Harry smiled, wrapping his arms around my back as I take in his scent. I could stand here all day, wrapped in his arms. He is comforting, when he hugs me I feel like nothing can hurt me, not even my own mind.  

"Harry?" I asked.

"Yes darling?"

"Tonight can you sleep in my bed?"

Harry smiled, one of us usually takes the couch, knowing that the last time we slept in the same bed I had a panic attack. But it is different now.

"Of course love."

-

The movie was good, it was some action film that I barley paid attention to, instead my eyes were locked in Harry, his face is beautiful when he watches movies. His face changes as the mood changes, he cringes when someone is hurt and laughs at all the stupid jokes. 

"It was good." Harry smiled as we entered our room. 

"Yeah, it was!" I agreed, putting on a smile for him making his turn brighter. 

"And no one saw us." 

"Told you, the hats always work!" 

Harry looked down at me, "You are cute!" I giggled, pulling away from him. 

"Go get ready for bed!" I said, tossing his pajamas at him and pointing to the bathroom. He laughed catching them and winking at me as he passed. 

I try to calm my breathing, knowing this is a big step for me. I think I'm ready for this, I know I care about Harry, a lot, more than I have cared about anyone before. I'm just nervous. I know he won't try anything but I'm scarred. 

"You ready babe?" Harry's voice cut me from my thoughts. I nodded, walking over to the bed. "Are you sure, if you want me to sleep on the couch-" 

"No. I want to do this." 

Harry smiled, sitting down and pulling the covers over us. "You are the bravest person I know." 

I laughed, "I'm not brave. Who is afraid of their own shadow?" 

"Someone who has to deal with it all hours of the day." he answered. "Emma, I know you have your problems, I have known form the start and I hate watching you have to go through that every day. But every day you fight. Ever since I met you you never stopped fighting. Not once. It's easy to fight others, but to fight yourself? That's what I call bravery." 

I smiled, a genuine smile, the first real smile in weeks. "Thank you. I know that I may not be ready to love yet, but you should know I care about you a lot." 

Harry smiled and kissed me on the top of my head, whispering, "I know."