How I feel

I

Losing someone can have a significant impact on a person. The heartbreak and confusion that you feel, the self-pity and tears. The questioning of why, and how?

But losing someone that hasn't died is by far the worst. Someone that chooses to leave you... Makes that conscious decisions that you aren't good enough to fight for or be around. To think I should be used to this by now, I had lost more people then I could count, but it never go easier, it just left you feeling numb and empty.

I felt a soft tap on my arm and turned slowly removing my earphone that had been in my ear since before I got on the plane with the intent of ignoring everything and everyone. Her blindingly bleached teeth made reach for my glasses just so I could look at her.

"Sorry to disturb you miss but we have landed"

I nodded slowly and looked around to find I was the last person left on the plane, yet again my daydreaming seemed to have encompassed me completely. Muttering a quick apology I gathered my things and exiting the metal bird that I had spent the last 15 hours in.

The scent of the air itself reminded me of everything I was trying to escape... Reminded me of him.

The winter air was chilled and less suffocating compared to the Cali heat I had just left. I needed this time away, trying to get myself back together and mend the shattered pieces of my heart.

I saw a familiar frizzy mess of hair on my mother's head as she frantically searched for me. I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't recognise me, I had made a lot of changes in the last 6 months, trying to change myself for someone who would never love me.

When her eyes locked on mine it was like I had found my safe haven. Eyes beginning to water as I pushed my way through the crowd, reaching the one women who could keep me grounded when I felt like I was far away.

As she wrapped her arms around me I realised just how much I had missed this. Missed her and the security that she bought me.

"Hi Mumma" I choked out as my hands wound themselves around her back. Fresh tears began to roll down my face as she held me close to her. When I called her to tell her I would be coming home for the break she was confused, I hadn't planned to come back until Carter's birthday which was in a months time.

She knew something was wrong, and knew exactly what would cheer me up the most.

"I love you baby"

"I love you more mum"

"I love you most. Now let's get you home"

                                   *

"I really am over him this time mum"

"You have said that time and time again Al but you go back every time!"

"This is different though! He killed Jeremy! Who does that!! Like Elena needs to get her shit together and realise how dangerously sexy and... Wait I meant dangerous! How dangerous he is!"

Yes, we were currently watching the vampire diaries. It was mum and I's guilty pleasure. And as sexy as Damon is I think we can all agree that he both breaks and makes Elena both better and super bloody annoying!

The tub of ice cream set on the thick blanket that was draped over our legs, as we sat in the dark longue room. Mum suggested our personal cure for a broken heart as soon as we walked through the door and I don't think I have ever been more grateful being able to just think and process before my mother interrogated me.

But I could tell she was waiting for answers. Wanting to know what had happened to cause me to move my flight a month earlier without an explanation. In all honesty I think I was just waiting for her to ask, and as the credits rolled in and mum gave me a questioning look I knew that I had to tell her what exactly had happened.