How I feel

XII

I hadn't left my room in two hours.

I wasn't able to face him again. After I slammed the door in his face I sat on my bed and cried for a solid 80 minutes until Sophie and Jake must have realised that I wasn't planning on coming back anytime soon and came to find me as I wallowed in my sadness.

"Oh my sweet girl"

"Jake, I'm fine.... you and Soph go hang out or something and I'll see you guys later okay?" I got up to use our bathroom and slowly slid past the both of them.

When I got out over half an hour later, Matt was sitting on my bed staring at me.

"Hey... I feel like we need to have a chat... I brought ice-cream" he gestured to the tub he had in his hands and lifting the blanket that was draped over his legs.

As soon as I saw him in the room I nearly lost it again. I crawled under the blankets with him and smiled as he handed me the spoon and the tub.

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We were halfway through the second movie when Matt turned and faced me.

"You know that he loves you right? He loves you in the way that you love him but he just has a really fucking stupid way to show it" he stared down at me and gave me a nudge when I didn't say a word.

"He doesn't love me Matty... if he did he wouldn't do half of the things that he does. He wouldn't... have a new girl on his arm all the time, he wouldn't be...he wouldn't be treating me like this Matt... and I'm done trying to remember the good times that we shared because now there is just a whole stack of bad ones. That unfortunately seem to keep piling up" I wiped under my eyes and forced another scoop of ice-cream into our my mouth.

Matt was silent for a few minutes before he spoke again.

"I know you don't want to hear this... but that night, he was going to say something, he walked away from you and I was right in his face telling him how stupid he was... that he needed to tell you how he felt. By the time he turned around you were tongue deep in Adam... not something I wanted to see by the way. But definitely not what he expected to see either"

I didn't say anything. Couldn't say anything.

"Why"

"Because I couldn't stand my two favourite people in the world not talking to each other because of the mere fact that they love each other too much and are too afraid that if they say so they'll lose the other forever." he grabbed my hand and gave me a sad smile.

"You need to talk to him Allie, before you really do lose the each other because of this" kissing my head he left the room and let the door slide shut behind him.

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Less than 20 minutes later there was a knock on the door. After my pep talk I knew that Matt went and gave his second pep talk of the day that was leading to this.

I sat silently, praying that he would go away and that I wouldn't have to do this right now. That I could act as though nothing had happened and that I was back home. Sitting there and waiting for mum to call me down for dinner. Or Carter to come in and tell me about what happened at school today.

Today there was no chance any of that was going to happen, it was just Jeremy, on the other side of my door. Waiting to have a conversation that should have probably happened years ago, but never has.

I heard the door creak open and didn't move. He walked into the room and slowly let it click shut behind him. We stayed in silence for a long time before I finally said something.

"Why didn't you say something?"

He looked up surprised that I was even talking to him right now.

"When?" he asked innocently enough but his eyes held the truth.

"That night... with Adam, you didn't say anything... I waited for you to say something! Anything Jeremy! Fuck! You could have just said that you needed me! That you couldn't watch me do it! That you didn't want me kissing Adam because you wanted to do it yourself! But you didn't say anything Jer and I fucking want to know why!" by the end of my rant I was standing in front of him pushing him back as I yelled at him with all my might.

He just stood there letting me do it without hesitation, knowing that most of this was his fault. He was the reason for this and all those years of watching him faun over every other girl finally made me crack. And I'll be fucked if I didn't find out why he never told me before.

"Jeremy! Now would be a good time to open that fucking mouth of yours and say something!" I was getting even more agitated the long he just stood there staring at me.

But my little moment seemed to spark something in him, because within a second I was trapped by his hands holding my head into place.

"I didn't say anything because it wouldn't have meant anything Allegra! You wouldn't have cared about how I felt about you! You never have sweetheart, you only ever saw me as your best friend!"

I snapped at that, I couldn't believe he had though all this time that I saw him as my best friend, he should know better than that!

"Are you fucking insane?" I yelled at the top of my lungs.

"How could you possibly think that I only think of you as my best friend Jeremy? I waited for you! For fucking years! Our mothers are well aware of the fact that I am and have always been in love with you and you were it for me! You were what I was holding out on! That one day you'd realise what you had right in front of you!" tears were falling down my cheeks and Jeremy had pulled away from me completely, standing at separate ends of the room.

"You can't"

"What do you mean I can't? Jer it's how I feel! You can't make it go away!"

"How could you love me after everything I have done to you? After the way that I have treated you over the years! The girls I had used to try and make you jealous! How could you possibly love me!" he punched the wall and I watched as his fist went straight through it.

I was shocked... I couldn't move. He did all this to make me jealous?? Jealous! All these years and he never said anything!

"Get out"

My voice was strained and sharp as it sliced through the air.

"Allegra.... what are you..."

"Jeremy, I said GET OUT!" The last words came out harsh and cold. If I thought I was angry before, I was furious now.

"Allegra...."

"Jeremy, you have led me on for years and are expecting me now to be okay with that because you have some kind of feeling for me? No... I need you to leave me alone Jeremy... you have fucked me around for a long, long time.... and right now I can't even look at you... so please just leave" I started at the floor, not even being able to look at him.

He stood in front of me, still and unmoving. Just the sound of our laboured breaths being heard after the yelling and screaming that occurred mere minutes before.

"Jer... please.... get the fuck out" I looked up at him, my eyes brimming with tears gave him a desperate look.

He stayed for a little long before turning and walking out again.