How I feel

XIII

It's been four weeks. A whole month. 

I couldn't even look at him. For the first couple of weeks he tried to talk to me but eventually he just gave up. 

I called my mum and told her I was going to come home early. 

Matt, Jeremy and I were meant to go for a bit of a road trip around the states before going home for break, but I couldn't be anywhere near him for too long a time without wanting to rip his throat out or burst into tears. 

There were very few people that knew that after my last exam I would be heading out on the next flight back home. Of course my mother knew, and my brother, as well as Jake and Sophie.... and Adam. 

That was a conversation had been one I was avoiding for weeks as well. Not that Adam really made an effort to talk to me throuhgout the weeks, although I don't really blame him all that much anyway. 

I had to tell him how sorry I was, about everything that happened. 

"Adam?" 

He was perched on the porch swing that we had once shared together months ago. The first year of university was almost over and I felt as though I had done a complete loop and come back to where I'd started. 

"Hey" he replied, not even looking at me, his gaze focused straight ahead. 

I cautiously sat down next to him, knowing that he probably didn't really want me around at the moment. 

"Adam... I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. For everything. I know it probably seemed like I was just using you to make Jeremy jealous, and at first yes that's why I did it... But I really liked you in the end... It's just that with Jeremy, there has always been something there... it's just never... well you know what I mean. I never realised how he felt about me until I started seeing you" I looked away from him in that moment, cursing the things that Jeremy did that always seemed to get in the way off. 

"And I'm so sorry about what I did to you. You were a great friend and I took advantage of you, and if you don't want to be friends anymore... well I would understand why" 

I just sat, staring at my hands and waiting for him to say something... but he didn't. I counted to twenty, and then I stood up. 

"I'm going to be going back home today... so I hope you have a good break. Hopefully I'll see you when I get back"

I opened the fly screen door but got stopped when a hand grabbed my wrist and tugged me into a hug. 

"I'm sorry too... I knew you loved him. But I thought I could change that.... I should have known better"  Adam looked me straight in the eyes then and kissed my forehead. 

"I'll see you when you get back... I'll miss my running buddy" 

I held back tears as I snuggled into him, greatful for his words of forgiveness. 

"I'll miss you too" I whispered back.

....................................................................................

"And so mum that brings us to now" I said giving her a watery smile. 

She had me snuggled up against her and was placing kisses on my forehead. 

"Well baby girl... Jeremy is one big piece of shit and he is missing out on the greatest gift that God could ever give him... You" she tucked my hair behind my ear and kissed  my cheek, pulling me up with her. 

"I know it feels horrible now, but you'll move on and find your Prince Charming, and he'll treat you like a queen. And you'll know that you have found yourself a keeper" I smiled at her, knowing that she was right... or at least making myself believe that she was.