How I feel

X

I felt something push me, but I was too tired to deal with it so I rolled over. Until it happened again. And again. And again. And I gave up on sleep.

I rolled over and opened my eyes to see a face in line with mine.

"Babe what's wrong?" I asked groggily not really awake yet but wanting to know what was going on with her.

Sophie just sat their for a minute and stared at me. Looking both stressed and strangely calm, which made me try to sit up to be sure I wasn't going to fall asleep on her.

Once my back was against the wall I patted the spot next to me on the bed signalling for her to come up. She quickly scuttled up and sat next to me, our shoulders bumping as she did.

"I know you were there, last night, with Jake"

I held my breath, not knowing whether to apologise or wait for her to get mad at me for eavesdropping on their conversation.

"I feel like there is some stuff that I have to explain to you" she stated.

Immediately I turned and faced her on the bed and put my hand on her thigh,

"Soph, you don't have to tell me anything, I'm so sorry I was eavesdropping on your conversation with Jake, you just seemed so upset and I wanted to make sure you were okay. But I should never have done that, so don't you feel like you owe me any explanation for that okay?"

"No, I don't. I trust you, and you haven't been anything but kind towards me, and you have taken care of me more times then I can count. Allegra... you're my best friend, and I need you to know this so that I can feel like I am being completely honest with you"

She placed her hands in her lap and her gaze followed them, as she said that. My heart grew with pride at the strength this girl, my best friend had. She was someone that I trusted with my life and whatever she told me today would never be told to another soul as long as I shall live.

"Okay Sophie. What did you want to tell me?" I asked politely removing my hand from her leg and turning back to my position. She obviously didn't want to look at me when she told me her story so I was going to do everything I could to make her feel more comfortable.

"I didn't know where to start. I just trusted him. I loved him, he was my best friend, my partner in crime, my cousin. But I guess that blood really doesn't mean anything to some people" she stared in front of her. Eyes unmoving from the place they had latched on to on the bed in front of us.

I placed my hand on hers and she gripped it tightly and swiped her hand under her eye.

"Anyway, we um... we used to play this game... I didn't really like it if I'm being honest but it was his favourite, and he used to always let me play my favourite games. Over the years the game progressed, it happened more often and I really used to hate playing, I always tried to get him to play another game but he was pretty stuck on the one"

She let out a sarcastic laugh, but continued.

"The winter before I turned 11, we played the game again, but this time it was different... I knew it wasn't right... and I said no" she choked on her last word.

"But he didn't like that, kept pushing.... and I was screaming for help... but they didn't hear me.... I realised what.. what was happening... and I did what I had to do and ran. I remember crying.... screaming so that my mum would come and get me... My brother didn't know what was wrong. I sat in the living room unmoving staring at the floor... Until I got picked up" by this stage the tears were streaming down her face and she was shaking. Her voice was steady though as if she was telling a story or stating facts.

"I promised myself that I would never go back there. And that I would trust my instincts... Not listen to those who told me they were wrong"

She let go of my hand, and looked me in the eyes.

"But I trust you Allegra. You have been there for me when I needed someone to calm me down. You have dealt with being my roommate, and most importantly the key. And you have been a true friend, I trust you" she gave me a shy smile and got off the bed walking over to our bathroom, and washing her face.

I stayed where I was, processing what she said and waited for her to come back. When she did she sat back down next to me on the bed, with a sad smile on her face.

"So he..." I stopped myself not really knowing what exactly to say.

"Assaulted me? Yes, I can't remember how long for, he took advantage of my naivety and trust for years, until we learnt about sexual assault at school, and then I realised that something really wasn't right" she stated, giving me a pained expression.

I didn't say anything, just got up and held her in my arms. She wrapped her arms around my waist as I rubbed her back.

"You didn't deserve any of this"

"Sometimes life is shit, you just got to role with the punches" she pulled away rubbing my arm and gave me a sad smile.

"Like 100% it is really shit, but sometimes there isn't a lot we can do about it, if I live in the past then I can't move on. But I'm getting there, I only really told my family a few years ago and slowly we are getting through it" this time she actually smiled, and for that reason, I was glad she had people who cared for her and looked out for her.

"Well, now you just have one more person to look out for you" I smiled at her, "Anytime, any place"

"I appreciate that, but do not make this any different okay? I don't want you to act differently around me, you just know why sometimes I loose my shit a little" her panicked face and waving made me smile.

"Hun, I wouldn't have it any other way, nothings going to change" I gave her hand a quick squeeze and a look telling her that everything was going to be fine"

"Okay. Now what happened last night?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Uh! Stop!" I groaned.

We had been 'debriefing' as to what exactly happened last night, to be exact between Jeremy and Adam and I as well as the kiss.

"I'm just saying that I think he was jealous, that's all" Sophie shrugged her shoulders like she meant nothing by it, but I knew she wanted a reaction from me, wanted to know how I felt about the whole thing.

But I was done waiting for Jeremy, I gave him a chance and he didn't take it so I have no choice but to move on, otherwise it'll be 10 years and I'll still be waiting.

"Soph, I'm done waiting, I have him a chance and jealous or not he didn't take it. So can we drop it please?" I gave her a subtle look and she got the hint.

"Okay" she nodded. Then there was a soft knock on the door. Sophie got up and answered it.

"Hey, how are you?"

Jake looked quite uncomfortable standing in the doorway, not really knowing what he can ask with the door still open.

"I'm okay" Sophie looked down at her feet as she replied.

"Soph.... can we talk about it?" I was unsure as to what Jake meant by 'it' but I knew this was my cue to leave. Quickly clearing my throat I got up from the bean bags we were sitting on and made my way to the door.

"I'm just gonna get some food I'll see you guys later" Jake gave me a grateful look as I walked past and Sophie just grunted in response.

I heard the door click closed as I left and made my way towards the staircase when I heard someone behind me.

"Allegra.... "

Fuck.