Emotions are a Funny, Complicated Thing.

|the park bench|

The Park Bench
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I honestly don't know how many times I have sat here and thought about God knows what. Pondering on how why my life turned out the way it did. I come here so often that I too wonder what makes it so special that I come back this many times. It's just a rusty park bench. No worth, but I cant find myself to stay away. Maybe because it's my only source of figuring it all out.

I guess what makes it so comforting is what surrounds the bench. Giving me the sense of home that I was never able to attain in the past. When I come here I am welcomed by the soft hello said in the afternoon breeze. And the warmth of sun that sets on my skin, never beating me down but generously providing a daily pick me up to brighten my day. And the people, oh the wonderful different people I have the pleasure of meeting. Either I'll see the regular jogger or children playing tag on the soft green grass, or I attain the privilege of meeting someone new.

Today I ended up coming to the park bench earlier than I usually do. Last night I had a nightmare about him again, one of the many that I punishingly endure every so often. I try my best everyday to stay clear of any thought or reminder of him, but no one can just run away from such a thing. I woke up before the generous sun rose, which usually makes me feel guilty, cheating on the sun with the moon. But I woke when the two crossed paths. When the birds chirped mixing with the stars, giving me peace after a restless night.

I depend on this bench intensely that it is almost humorous. Once I woke I headed straight towards here. Not to anyone but this bench, my comfort, my serenity.

Strangely though, I haven't had any clarification at all as I sit here, not a bit. Which is strangely unusual of course. My sparks of clarity come almost the instant I sit down and close my eyes like I do every time I come here. But I can't close my eyes, because with every closing, every blink, he's there. I never feel trapped here at this bench, but today, this cool early morning, I feel as I can't leave until my clarification sets in.

So I stay wide-eyed, patiently watching as the park begins its spur to life. I've never been here so early that today is exceptionally new. I sit crossed legged hugging myself to stay warm. I ran out of the house so quickly that I didn't take the time to think about being warm or the most important meal of the day. My stomach made noises, reminding me not to forget.

But I can't even begin to think about anything else until peace floods my body. Call me selfish but its necessary.

I sat here alone for who knows how long, my only form of time was the sun rising ever so slowly as if time slowed down, giving me time to grieve my loss of the night. I expected people would begin to show too though, time never slowed down for anyone else it seemed.

What I didn't expect was to see a man to be closing his eyes while sitting on the morning dew kissed grass; wearing his nightwear I presume. I have seen many different things each visit to this park, but this was the strangest I have ever seen.

Nothing in me wanted to get close to the man, for all I know he could be acquiring his daily mediation or prayer in the park. He look deprived by the way his shoulders sagged and his head hung low. Maybe he was asleep, another reason why I shouldn't get near him.

I was just as insane as this man, so waking up this early and running to a rusty park bench for clarification like it could speak to me seemed ironic almost. And for all I know he too could have had a rough night as well.

So I did what any person who lacks sanity would do, I got up from my sitting position and began walking towards the sleeping man sitting on the wet grass in the quiet park. As I got closer I could tell he was as distressed as I believed he was, but he wasn't as old as I thought he would turn out to be. He actually looked as if he was the same age as me, maybe a few years older. The way he carried himself and how distressed he probably was, I couldn't blame him. Times like this is what make people mature more then they intend to.