Emotions are a Funny, Complicated Thing.

journal entry

Journal entry: #12

Even as venerable as I feel now, having these feelings for someone I thought I ever have for is somewhat comforting. Providing me with the security that I haven't thought I could deserve in a long time... maybe ever. Before I accepted that I would never find anyone to fill my voided heart, thinking I could do everything to ignore the pain in my chest but find my other half.

It's been so long since I felt a glimpse of happiness that I can indulge with myself and only me and not having to unwillingly share my joy. But, it's not that I'm happy by myself, I found someone who possibly can be happy with me.

But even with every glance and every soft word I cant help but feel like this happiness can escape any minute. Something bad is bound to happen invades my every thought. I know it's not right to have these thoughts in the beginning of something so tender as what we have now. I feel as if I'm already dooming us even though "us" is barely legitimate. And that kills me.

The fact that they have also input energy and patience into this without the equal balance is crushing everything I think about who I am. For I'm the conquered enemy as they are the triumphant valor. Winning the joy they deserve the prize... could I be the prize?

Someone so caring and gracious couldn't want someone who only thinks of themselves as empty and insufferable. The balance is shifted, heavier on the side of the good-hearted.

But maybe I could become the conqueror. Defeat the enemy that is my own self-doubt. Defeat the enemy holding me back of my happiness. Defeat the enemy that is killing the only light that shines toward tomorrow. Defeat the enemy that is I.

Because why do I struggle with these inner demons when I am full of light? Full of belonging to another that is the candle that operates my burning longing of what could be love. My inner demons have control on me no more as long as I am with the light.

-Doubt