Risk

8

Kiefer

That kiss just killed me.

You see, I have already built these walls so that she couldn't hurt me anymore. I don't care if that sounds gay pero pagod na kong masaktan ni Mika kahit alam ko na hindi nya sinasadya.

Kanina nung sinabi nya sakin na what happened last night was a mistake, hindi ko alam kung ano ba dapat sabihin ko. Syempre hindi ko na pwedeng sabihin kung ano talagang naramdaman ko, that would make things even more awkward than they already were.

So I decided I'd just go along with it.

I figured if I agree with her, if I make her believe that I think it should never happened, then eventually I would believe it myself.

Well, that blew up in my fucking face.

I'm doing a really good job of pretending until that kiss happened.

I want to strangle and hug Billie and Thirdy at the same time for giving me that opportunity. There's no in between.

When our lips met, everything else in the room just stopped and we were Mika and Kiefer again. The ones we used to be before things got screwed up. But then I had to give her a cold shoulder after it happened just so she would know I didn't expect anything more from it.

I fucked up though.

I let her see a crack in my wall by bringing up last night again and how she said it was a mistake. I brought it up out of nowhere and tried to get off the point before she noticed.

Then Jessey—thank God for Jessey—came in to say good night and saved me from that conversation.

But holding her in my arms, feeling her body perfectly fit against mine, made me want to stay that way for the rest of the night. I held onto her as long as I could, but eventually I had to let go. I had to turn away before my walls came crumbling down.

I don't care if I sounded like a complete jerk—she was making me feel like crap so might as well bring her down with me.

I mean, bakit pa ba nya tinanong kung anong naramdaman ko about the kiss? What was I supposed to answer? Dapat ba sinabi ko sa kanya that it means everything to me? That for the first time in three months I felt whole? That I wanted to do it again? And maybe again and again and again?

No.

I can't say any of that crap because she would just go on and on about how I hurt her over the years. I don't want to face that. I don't want to hear the pain in her voice again.

It's hard to lie, to really act like I don't give a damn about her and what she feels. But it is worth it if it means that would save the both of us from hurting each other more than we already did.

I was lying on my back, staring up at the dark ceiling as Mika's even breathing fills the room.

I looked over at her and she's facing me for once. I smiled slightly at the sight of her. I always love watching her sleep. I used to do it all the time. Nasabi ko yon kay Thirdy once and he thought I was some sick creeper.

But Mika said she liked it. Sabi nya it makes her feel safe... and loved.

And I wish so badly that I could just wrap my arms around her and pull her to me and make her feel that way again, right then and there.