Risk

5

Mika

I woke up as the sun shines brightly on my face.

I shifted and groaned a little as I pulled the small blanket over myself and cuddled deeper into the large cushioned beach chair dito sa may balcony sa kwarto namin.

I mean after what happened last night, with everything that has been said and done, I distanced myself with Kiefer muna kaya dito ako natulog.

Surprisingly enough, the chairs are very big and comfortable. Though I can't fully enjoy them when I have so many other things on my mind.

Insecure.

That was the word Kiefer used when he described why I did and what I did and reacted the way I had when I saw him with Trinca.

At tama sya.

I always know since the first day I met him that he is too good for me.

As the years passed by and he grew into his own, it became even clearer that he could never feel for me what I felt for him because he was everything anyone could ever want.

He's a complete package.

And in my eyes, I was not.

But somehow he saw something in me. He wanted me. He loved me.

I struggled with these insecurities all through my life, actually. I was never the cute kid, or the pretty girl in high school. And when college happened, I was still that Mika who loves to play volleyball, loves to wear comfy shirts and sometimes boy shorts, who wear caps and never tried on make-ups.

And then we happened. Kiefer and I happened.

I tried to be more lady-like for him, that's for sure. I think I also did it for myself because I want to feel good about myself.

But then every time girls will give him attention, not just his fangirls, I would feel this feeling of unworthiness that he should be with them and how in the hell he was with me?

I remember telling him this on several occasions and he would always convince me I was perfect—that I was the only one for him.

That we belong together.

I tried believing him, but I just can't.

I know the day would come when he will realize I am nothing special. I am just his long-time childhood buddy. Nothing more, nothing less.

Hindi ko din alam where my insecurities stemmed from.

Alam ko naman na I am pretty plain, but I also know I'm not ugly. Matalino naman ako, mabait, mabilis pakisamahan.

However, I have always felt somewhat inferior and intimidated by Kiefer and the people around him, which why I was shocked that he got interested in me. I pushed those thoughts away though because I am happy with him.

Again, I am glad that I got to keep him for as long as I did.

It's strange how my insecurities have been passive all these years and then suddenly sprung up that one night.

It was as if they were in the back of my mind, just waiting for an opportunity to come out.

Lagi naman sinasabi sakin ni Kiefer that I was everything he ever wanted but—God! —if she just hadn't come into the picture for me to question everything that we were, then none of this would have happened.