Let me in (S.M)

seven

song I recommend for this chapter: I Will Follow You Into The Dark by Death Cab For Cutie

"Are you awake?" I whisper, the rain outside almost drowning my voice out.

"Yeah." She whispers back.

"Are you okay?" I ask her, both of us lying on our backs and looking up at the ceiling.

"I don't know." She mumbles.

"I saw the t-shirt." I tell her.

"It was my brothers." She tells me. 

"Charlie." I don't question it, instead announce it, despite my knowledge of her brother I don't want to tell her I know.

"Yeah." She says.

"Tell me about him." I turn my head slightly to look at her, she looks back at me.

"He was my baby brother, my only sibling, he was a good kid-no, a great kid." She doesn't break eye contact once.

"He sounds great." I agree.

"He was funny, he had a great sense of humour and he was really smart-like, really, really smart, smarter than me and I was four years older than him, he just always knew something I didn't and even though it annoyed me I kinda admired him for knowing so much and for being so in touch with everything that's happening." She bites her lip and struggles to calm her breathing.

I find her hand under the covers and go to put my hand in hers, but she gets there first and latches on to my hand. Almost like she needs it.

"I left school when I was seventeen, he was only in his second year when I left and then I went to university, it was three hours away from home and I knew it killed him, we were like best friends, I hated leaving him." She wipes her eyes with the back of her free hand.

"You don't have to tell me anything, y'know." I grip her hand a little tighter, so she knows I mean it.

"No, I keep it bottled up all the time, I just wanna talk about him to someone, he deserves to be talked about and remembered." Her voice becomes stronger and clearer.

"Okay." I nod, she sits up slightly, so her back is resting against the headboard, I follow her up, my hand still in hers.

"It was early September, like the second, and I had to finish my an assignment for one of my classes and I'd totally forgotten about it, but I knew I was going home the same day to see Charlie, I had to call him and he was super upset but we agreed I'd come down the following weekend, but it never happened." She shakes her head, tears slowly spilling from her pretty eyes.

"Vi-" I begin but she cuts me off.

"Charlie was such a good kid, y'know? He was such a fucking good kid and he deserved so much and I just fucking pushed him over the edge, why did I care more about a shitty assignment than my own brother? What the hell was wrong with me?" She sobs, I pull her in and cradle her in my arms, she rocks back and forth slightly in my embrace and I feel her tears being absorbed by my t-shirt.

"Hey, don't, it wasn't your fault." I stroke her hair down slightly, trying to calm her.

"He never told me the way he felt." She shakes her head, still crying.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

She pulls away, but still holds my hand, "he was being bullied at school and whenever I'd ask him if he's going out with friends, he'd say yeah and he acted like he was happy but they were so fucking mean to him, he hated it and I didn't even notice my brother hating his life because I was so fucking busy living my own."