YO! this is a thank you for twerpish for voting on my fourthwheelshipping one-shot :D! anyways hope you enjoy! (it took me a lot to write this actually since i ship clemont with korrina XD)
[Note: includes badly-written depression]
I was such an idiot.
Such an idiot.
I didn't realise in time. I guess I was too wrapped up in my own feelings to notice his, or remember anything he said.
He kept telling me about his dreams for a world of peace, for pokemon and humans alike. He told me about how he was going to use the power of science to change the world for the better. I never paid attention. What was his dreams to me? I loved Ash to much to notice him. His dreams were nothing but talk, until now.
I regret it so much. Well, I guess I regret everything now. I regret falling in love with Ash. He had a girl back in Kanto to go back to, a girl he actually knew he loved. A girl that wasn't me.
I regret making friends with Bonnie, getting so close to her only for her to be snatched away from again.
And most of all, I regret ignoring him. He was the only one left now. And I never realised how important he was, how important he was to me and how important I was to him. I guess I never cared.
I'd been lost ever since Ash went home to that Misty girl, and I'm still lost now. I tried hating her, but I'd never met her, and when I did I couldn't help but like her. I tried hating Ash but i can't bring myself to do it. I tried hating Bonnie, but she was gone before I had the chance. I tried hating myself, but every time I end up lying in my bed, staring at the ceiling with tears trickling down my face wondering why I'm still alive.
And then i thought of the one person left- him. Clemont.
I took everything out on him, my anger that turned to bitterness, my sadness that turned to depression, my jealousy and confusion, which became insanity and turned on me, controlling me. I wasn't Serena anymore- I was a shell of what was once a pretty, happy young girl named Serena Yvonne, now inhabited by feelings raging out of control. My world was dark, but he did his best to bring light to me.
I barely remember what he said. I wish I'd paid more attention. I don't know how I'm thinking of him like this now that he's gone, when I couldn't imagine myself thinking about him like this before.
How he lived through me, I didn't know. He endured it all- me raging, screaming, shouting, slapping, crying, at him. I was too lost to find direction again, but he was like a map- he brought me back to the world, only to make me fall back again.
He left, only yesterday. Left the world. I didn't believe it. i didn't want to believe it. I wanted to believe anything else instead of it. First Bonnie, now him? My world was falling apart, and he wasn't there to fix it together like he always did.
I miss him. I miss everything about him. His smile, his glasses, the funny way he runs, the way he argues with Bonnie about eating her greens and the keepers she chose, how his inventions would always blow up and give us all afros... And how he acted as a light, a light that helped me see through the darkness of myself.
I didn't want to admit it at first. I scolded myself for believing so- I loved Ash, why would I him? But now I know for sure. I'm lost. Utterly lost. I loved him, and he loved me, and I realised too late.
It would've been a perfect ending for us- I'd've been old, he'd've been old. We'd've had kids, a home of our own, where both of knew exactly where we were heading in our worlds. But I had to ruin everything.
I'm such an idiot.
Now I'm lying on my bed, tears streaming down my face again. I didn't try to stop them. There wasn't any point.
"Serena..."
It's him. I don't know if I'm imagining it, but I wasn't going to think more of it. I felt him sitting beside me, hugging me. I couldn't see him, but I didn't care. All that matters is I know he came, even if it was only my imagination.
"Serena...You don't have to cry."
"I can't..." I whisper back.
"Just smile. You look a whole lot better doing so."
I reached out to him. But he's not there. He's gone. He's gone. g o n e.
Tears threatened to spill again, but I wiped them away. I looked in the mirror, and smiled. I felt his hand on my shoulder, encouraging me.
He's not gone forever. He may be, but he won't to me.
I may have been lost, but I'm not now.
