Enthral Azure

Chapter 19

I hate feeling powerless, weak, ashamed, and thinking I can't exceed in anything.

But... guilt is possibly the worst thing you could ever experience. The regret that swirls into your stomach and eats you up inside, I hate it. It tugs at my mind and jingles with emotions and feelings that I feel like ripping my hair out. I hate myself right now. And what's worse? Is that im sobbing in the toilet stalls?

What I said to Adam, and how I lashed out to him keeps nagging in my head, reminding me of how stupid and unreasonable I am. All he ever wanted to do was help me, and he cares about me so much that he's willing to help me to the extent of dragging the truth out of me, and what do I do? I lash out to him. At the time, I was just so angry, mad at myself for not knowing the truth about Aaron and Isabelle. How I misunderstood what was going on in the beginning, assuming that Isabelle was some girl Aaron loved. But there was more to that, she was raped. And I know I shouldn't be beating myself up, after all, I didn't even know the truth until recently. But still, I can't help the shame and regret and the guilt stabbing in my chest.

I've stopped sobbing at this point, wipe the tears off my face and leave the stalls. I wash my face and look at myself in the smudgy mirror. My eyes are bloodshot from crying, and my face looks like it aged a lot. I attempt a smile in the mirror, but it doesn't reach my eyes.

I wait in the bathroom until the bell rings for lunch, and then I step outside the bathroom door.

I need to go up to Adam and apologise, but he's nowhere to be seen. Instead, I see Lisa who's walking straight to me. I know exactly what she's going to say, and I promised id tell her what Aaron said the night before. She's my best friend, and I don't want to lose her after all she's done for me.

We both sat in the cafeteria at the far back, just Lisa and I. I don't spot Adam anywhere, and Aaron is nowhere to be seen. Hmmm.

"Okay, Luce. Spill." Lisa says.

I take a deep breath and tell her everything. About his coming over, how he explained his relationship with Isabelle. I hesitated at the part where he told me about Isabelle was raped, but Lisa was persistent and urged me to continue. So, I did. I told her about the part where he sobbed onto my shoulder, and then I told her how he said he needs more time until he gets to talk to me again.

Lisa was so lost in thought, she grew pale and speechless. I can't blame her.

At last, she said, "That's a lot to take in, Luce. I mean, apart from Isabelle's experience, I can't even begin to imagine what she went through. But, that must be hard for you to be in a relationship and having that weight onto your shoulders... And knowing he might still have feelings for her - "

"I don't know, Lisa. He said he still cares for her, and I mean how can you not? What she went through was traumatising enough, and he loved her a lot, so he obviously still cares deeply for her. But he tried to help her, and I think he's still going through a tough situation." I said. I haven't thought about how he must be feeling, it's been years and he must be miserable. To try and help someone you love and care for, but for it to never suffice.

Lisa frowned, "This is so complicated. I wish I knew the right words to say for this... "

"Me and you both... " I sighed. All this confusion makes my tummy hurt.

"Maybe you should stay away for a while, I reckon. Away from this drama you didn't mean to get into. I think you need a rebound." Lisa said, and smile forming onto her lips.

"A rebound?" I asked, curious to what idea she was brewing up.

"Meet someone new. In all honestly, I think you should let Aaron and Isabelle to sought out their own problem - respectfully, I don't think you should worry about it. Have some fun, there are plenty of cute guys around," She winked and beamed.

I thought for a second, "You're right." I said at last. This plan was brilliant, and suddenly the guilt and regret seemed to wash off. I need to forget Aaron and Isabelle for that matter. That isn't my problem to begin with, so why was I suddenly caught up? I need to have fun. And Lisa's way of fun involves making out with hot guys (though her guy was Andrew) and I think I like the idea. I still don't know what I feel for Aaron, and seriously he makes no effort to even help me. I need to go out and live life. And I'm going to start now. But first, I need to apologise to Adam.

After lunch, I built up the courage to apologise to Adam. It took a lot of hugs to finally make him smile again. I might not feel the same kind of love he feels for me, but im thankful it isn't awkward between us. I need to meet someone knew, and I need to explore a teenage life. Have fun, drink, make out and possibly have sex. I need to forget about my first time, and move on and Lisa will introduce me to that way of life - Since she knows plenty about it.

_________ AN:

Ha ha ha ha HAHAHAHAHAHAH

omfg I'm so gay seriously

I can't write for shit but yolo

anyways

after this chapter will be more explicit and feature erotic scenes

bc that's fun

but she won't do them with AARON

HEHEHEHE