How Did We Get Here // Luke Hemmings & Zayn Malik

Chapter 96: Not Your Fault

I sit there, motionless. Staring at his notebook. He sighs "Emma, do you want to talk about Monday?" I level his vision, leaning further in "I am willing to talk about the trails, my daughter, Zayn, me... the color white, even Luke but I will not talk with you about Stacy. She is off limits. Do not test me John." He sighs "okay, I won't ask but just tell me what is the first thing you feel when you hear that name." I close my eyes.

There I am again, running, breathing, fearing. The dim sunlight in my eyes, the grass, the tree's.

I look up at him "I feel regret. Hopelessness." He grins a little "Okay, what do you associate White with?" I start laughing "These damn walls. Everywhere!" he chuckles, raising his eyebrows "That's true." I put a strand of hair behind my ear "White is innocence. Purity. White wedding gown. White dove bird. But being trapped inside these walls, it reminds you, that your innocent... Have you seen the ped's floor? Kids John! Kids! What did they do to deserve that. And it makes you feel you like nothing. Like you can never control your destiny." He clicks his tongue "what color do you suppose we should color in?" I smile "yellow. For hope." He grins wide, reclining back on the couch "Luke."

I wanted to stay quiet but I needed to get better for my daughter "Luke was my friend. He would uh, take me places, adventures around the cities. We understood each other, had a lot of common with. But he started liking me, and I knew. And I didn't stop him, I wanted his attention. And when he found out I uh, Zayn and I were together, he was heartbroken. He left the country to play for Australia. Soccer." He lifts his eyebrow "How does it make you feel knowing you broke his heart?" I close my eyes, remembering him at the airport, screaming at me "Luke and I, we looked out for each other. We both confined with one another. I knew he felt abandoned, betrayed by his family... when he found out, my heart sank. I, the one person he trusted, failed him. I let him down. I felt that at that point, he gave up on everyone. Like he already knew no one will stay there for him that long. I am the reason why he's hurting." I start to cry "Anyone who gets close to me gets hurt. I can't be around them because I hurt them, one way or another." He sighs, resting his elbows on his knees "can you give me examples." I clench my sweater, shutting my close and sob "Niall, I had to break up with him, not because of the distance but because I couldn't bare being far from him. Luke, breaking his heart, not being a true friend to him. Harry! I fell in love with the Zayn, his father and Harry's mother slept together. Harry couldn't face at times because it reminds him of heart pains. Zayn! I could've gotten an abortion or gone through the adoption but I didn't! I know he's faithful and he won't leave us. My Daughter! Danielle! My cervix is the reason why she's in the incubator... Stacy." He reaches for the Kleenex box "Here Emma."

I blow my nose and clean my cheeks. He sits next to me and grabs my hand "Niall isn't hurt because of you. He's moved on, has a girlfriend who he adores. He holds no grudges against you. For Luke, I don't how he feels but I'm sure he'll move on. And it's not your fault for loving the love of your Life. You didn't cheat with Harry's mother did you... Zayn, loves you, you can't hurt love. He will follow you till the ends of the earth because he is in love with you Em's. And your daughter was too heavy for your cervix. You could not control it and you couldn't control the fact that Danielle was choking." I hug him and cry for some time until he let me go.

I walk out of the room and slowly start walking my way to the incubator room.

Is he right? Not all of them are hurt because of me? did they just feel anguish for a brief moment and move on from me? did I not have a big impact on them? But deep down, I couldn't help but feel partially responsible for everyone's agony.

I lean further to the window, resting my forehead on it and watch my baby sleep. I sigh loudly and walk away.

I wait in line for the coffee and then leave. I walk around the garden outside, wanting to be alone and mediating on the fact that I get to take my daughter home in two day from now. I was mentally noting what she needed. A car seat for babies, bottles, diapers, clothes and other stuff that started overwhelming me.