Lovesick. - Tronnor ✔️

20.

I dropped Bethany off at her house, I wanted to be alone. I sat on the couch watching mtv with my phone glued to my hands in case Laurelle called with an update. But she never did, eventually I fell asleep (I just really can't watch shows like Geordie Shore, maybe I'm too gay for that) 

Around 3 am I woke up because my phone was buzzing, Kian Lawley was calling me. I rubbed my eyes, would I pick up? He kissed me so I kind of owned him, he wouldn't be a threat to me. It was brave of him to call though. 

'Hello?'

 '..Connor? Hi, sorry I just never thought you'd pick up' Kian's voice sounded, it was a bit shaky, as if he was nervous.

'Well I did. What's the matter?'

 'Why are you awake at 3?' he dodged my question.

 'I can ask you the same thing.' I pointed out.

'well I have a lot on my mind'

 'So do I remember?' I said as if I hadn't been asleep for the pas 4 hours.

 'oh.. yeah..' It fell silent on the other line. 'uhm.. What are you doing?' he asked to keep the conversation going.

 'Watching tv' I answered, 'oh, and talking to you which is something I honestly thought I wouldn't be doing for a while..' I stated with raised eyebrows. 

'oh.. uhm, why?' 

'you kissed me' I dropped the bomb. I said it out loud. I said his darkest secret out loud. The other line fell silent, from the sound of his breathing I could tell he was T.R.I.G.G.E.R.E.D.  Maybe I shoulnd't have brought it up? But him calling me at 3 in the morning was kind of really stupid, so why not bring it up?

 'oh.. yeah' Kian uttered, in my opinion way in a way too straight manner for the topic we were talking about. 

'oh yeah' I mocked him, 'care to give any explanation?' I sighed, he was taken aback by my question, he tried talking his way out of it.

 'Do we have to talk about this?' he asked, as if he was annoyed. I raised my eyebrows, 

'Uhm, you're not telling me you called me to ask me why I was still up.' I said, this shut him down completely. He didn't have an answer that didn't involve some sort of gay topic he definitely didn't want to say something about. It was silent for a bit. I felt guilty, I didn't know what he was going through but I knew I would somehow be able to relate to most of it. Then, I heard a sniffle,

 '..I.. I love you, Connor' he cried.

 My face scrunched up, 

w.h.a.t.?

 'I love you, I love you so much' Kian stated through his sobs. I could feel my heart aching from his ache. Wtf was even going on? I had to calm this boy, what he was saying was completely ridiculous, something else was going on I could sense it. If this was a prank call I swear to god..

 'Kian.. I don't think you understand what you're saying..' I tried. 

'No, I don't think you understand. I have always had a crush on you, you're gorgeous and amazing. But I've also been jealous of you.I still am, and I loathe you for it. I loathe you for everything, for making me feel like this, like such trash but the butterflies when I see you make up for it all' he rambled, there was no stopping this boy from letting his heart out to me at 3:30 in the morning. 

I was completely taken aback and flustered by the things he was saying. I felt guilty and flattered and sad and most of all really confused. His words were so unclear in my head. 

'What do you mean?' I eventually uttered. As stupid as I was I didn't know anything better. 

'Just... look at you!' Kian chanted, 'You have everything I want: a loving family, great friends, a great face and a great personality. Everybody likes you! Meanwhile, I'm stuck here with these homophobic and asshole friends of mine who don't care about anything else than cereal and porn, my mom is the most homophobic bitch alive, my dad lives on the other side of the country and all the other kids in school think I'm a huge douche, and honestly I am' 

 'you have a great face though' No I was not going to say that, I was not going back to the cocky Connor I once was. This boy needed my help. He wasn't calling me for nothing. 

'Do you want me to help you?'

 'What? No, I can't accept that. You've been nothing but nice, -besides the time you punched me- and I've been an asshole' he stated hastily, as if he was trained to say no to help from others. Why do people always think they can handle shit by themselves, or that they have to handle shit by themselves? It doesn't make sense. 

'oh okay' was the only thing I could utter, it was 3:37 and I was sleepy, but I needed to be there until he hung up, if I hung up it would only make him feel worse.

 '..I shouldn't have called you I'm sorry' 

'oh it's oka-' 

*beep beep beep*

he was gone.

------------------

sorry for this short, shitty, barely edited update, but I haven't updated in a while and I didn't want to be the worst updater. Truth is, some shit has been happening in my life lately and it all has left me a bit emotionally drained. I broke up with my boyfriend. And it probably was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but it's for the better and I know it.  But just because I'm the one who initiated the break-up doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, and that I don't feel awful.

School starts tomorrow too, so... *casually slids knife into highschool bag* no but forreal I DONT WANNA GOO. but usually when I have school I update more because writing is a procrastinate method of mine. 

Anyway, I'll be fine, I know I will be I just need to get through this, and I know I'm strong enough. I've been through shit much worse *throws party* so yeah I hope y'all are feeling fucking great and that you love yourself and that you're happy and that you know that you can conquer the whole fucking planet because you are you, and you are fucking amazing. 

SO MUCH LOVEEE -J