September Third //G.D

Twenty eight

Arabella 

I woke in a pool of my own sweat, i was absolutely drenched. This feeling of utter horror and discomfort reigned over me as i tried to shake back into the reality surrounding me. "Six days"  kept ringing in the back of my mind. My existence was running on an expire date; I had six days to decide: do i run or do i face my reality. Running was the selfish choice, the choice i was instinctually not suppose to make as a mother but i wanted to, with every bone in my body to pack and run out into that restless desert and leave everything of what little i had built here behind.  I thought about the suffering and pain it would bring to everyone having to live this life of poverty and struggle. There is nothing, and most likely no one, up there and quiet frankly that is not the place to raise a child. Down here she would have both Ethan and Gray, a place to stay, friends to make, a future in what appears to be a considerably futureless world, and I know that if i take her with me Matthew wouldn't hesitate to hurt her in the process. 

I came to the understanding that, after a multitude of dead end brainstorms, the only responsible  decision on my behalf for my child would be indeed be to walk away. Grayson would hate me and God knows I'll die if I leave this base alone, but at least my baby won't be hurt. 

Tucson didn't sound so horrible after all plus I'll be given a car to drive out there so best case scenario I get a fresh start with someone new at the Tuscon base. 

Grayson woke up.

"Hey i didn't mean to wake you"

"Nah it's okk; you have another nightmare?" he asked as he propped himself up on his forearm 

"Yea, I'm just worried about Amber"

"Don't be she's sleeping fine, she's eating and the doctor says she's doing just fine"

"I know I know it's just I'm never gonna stop worrying"

Grayson fully lifted himself up so he could be fully seated next to me. He slid his arm behind me and rubbed my back trying to enforce a sense of reassurance in my body, but he couldn't. It was something that no one, not even myself could save me from. I was drowning silently and everyone was subliminally watching this occur to me with no possible way to help me. 

"If you keep worrying like this, you're gonna make yourself sick and then we'll all have something to worry about. Just calm down, when it's time to panic we'll panic but for now; everything is perfect" 

I weakly smiled at him to give him a sense of heroism as if he actually managed to assist on this one. Grayson's weakness was helplessness and Lord knows that if he was aware of my situation it would be eating him alive when in reality this whole situation just appears to be feasting on me, rather generously as well. I could not sleep, or eat, or drink. All i could do quiet frankly is think about how many damn days were left until I had to shatter this mans poor fragile heart. No letter no explanations, nothing. I had to simply pack and walk right out of his life leaving him helpless with the one thing he loves more on this planet that me, our beloved Amber. 

I heard a knock on the door, I rushed up to get it because I didn't want Grayson to wake up again. 

I open the door to reveal Matthew towering over me and gently relying on the door frame to support his tall muscular figure. 

"You're leaving."

"Yea I know, 6 days left, remember?"

"No. You're leaving now; this will be the last night i will be able to neak you out for a long time so let's go"

Tears began to well up in my eyes. I wasn't ready to leave in six days never mind right now. My thoughts began to jumble and then suddenly they went blank. Every raging word missioning through my head froze and that final feeling of utter numbness took over my body. The reality that I was indeed useless and forced into this tragic fate finally sunk in and I became excepting of it, not in a voluntary manner, but in more of a "do it so you won't fall apart " manner.

"okay" i lightly mumbled out as I stared into nothing hoping to find some distraction in my now blank thoughts 

"What?"

I took a deep breathe to recompose myself before I clarified 

"I said, O K A Y"

Matthew was shocked by how compliant I was and stood there silently waiting for me to get my things and meet him in the hallway. 

And so I gathered my things and took in the room one final time, memorizing every simple detail for when I revisited this place in my mind.

"You promise me they live the best possible life down here for as long as I stay away"

"I promise" 

We walked down to the platform where y car and supplies were waiting for me. I climbed in and tightened my seatbelt. I look out the window and saw Matthew smugly awaiting my departure. 

"You know, the last thing that I'll ever get to say to Grayson... It was a lie"

"What did you say?"

"Nothing, but i let him believe that he was doing everything right and that he was doing the right thing for both of us, and this, this is just going to destroy him. So congratulations you're almost as bad as me now"

And with that, within the 06:00 hours, I was on my way to Tuscon, far away from my baby and Grayson where I knew I would rot till the end of my days and Grayson would hate me until the end of his and my first and only child will have no recollection of me as I was present for a grand total of an individual day in her hopefully long and prosperous life. But I know Grayson is strong and he will be even stronger for her and once they heal and learn that I was just an obstacle in their lives they'll move ahead and have outstanding lives without me and before they know it I'll be long forgotten. 

A/N 

29 coming soon i promise