CHOKER

Volume 18: I want to drown in your pool

(edited)

RECAP from the last chapter:

Analise and the gang were led to a ball with the mission of bringing back stolen money from Stephan. Everything was going well until a curveball hit. The man that's taken an interest in her happened to be Adam Stevenson, her ex, along with Amelia Colon. They ruffed her up and took her to a secluded place. Analise was violated and raped by Adam while all of it was filmed for many to see. Amelia felt sorrow for her and reassured Analise that the only reason she's doing this is because of business. They dosed her with drugs before leaving her at her temporary residence where Xander and the others returned from looking for her.

*Ana's monologue*

I had dreams and aspirations, just like the rest of you. I pictured the world at large and the plenteous opportunities I would have if I just waited. I lived in a bubble of happiness that depleted my self-hatred due to embarking on different types of love. I had found a sister, I had a brother, I had a functional family, and I had Adam. He understood everything and peeled me out of my shell. He helped me from a dark hole and made my days brighter. I was young and high on life. I was naive and longing for calm, to rest the chaos I was exposed to every day during childhood. Adam, Lina, and Nathan gave me that calm and hope that everything will be okay. I relied on them and used them as a crutch. I was too empowered to understand how weak and pathetic I was. I had a surface of the glass that I believed was made of steel.

I didn't realize that we were all broken. I didn't realize that we were hopeless from the beginning. I would dance and twirl, with the hopes of being a dancer one day. He would sing his heart out with anger. I always thought I knew the anger Adam felt inside, I had no idea. I was clueless about the source of his anger and how much he had inside of him. I now understand that he was angry at himself. He suppressed the monster inside of him for so long that he wanted to destroy everything, especially himself.

I had dreams and aspirations, just like the rest of you. I wanted to dance and have an old car that could barely run. I wanted a studio apartment with a view of the entire city, with brick walls. I wanted the floor to be wooden and the majority of the space to be empty, so I could dance wherever I wanted. I always hated the ballet lessons my mother would force me to go to until I loved it. I wanted to twirl and watch the fluorescent colors of the world bleed together. I wanted to feel free and unstoppable.

He took it all from me because I felt like he deserved it. I handed him my dreams and future on a silver platter after selling my soul for nothing in return.

I want my fucking soul back

I want my dreams back

and most importantly, I want my wasted time back.

*Xander's POV*

            I had fallen asleep without realizing it. The dim dawn light shone through the curtains, illuminating Analise's room slightly. She laid there, tossing and turning her head occasionally, with her mouth slightly parted. She whispered and muttered little things every now and then, I couldn't quite determine what she was saying. Her eyes were moving back and forth rapidly behind her closed eyelids. I felt my heart jump, shooting up to make sure that she was okay. I felt her head for temperature and sat beside her on the bed. I stared at her resting face and took notice of her mesmerizing features. Her long brown hair stuck to her sweaty neck and fell over her pale face. Her pink full lips remained slightly parted as she breathed slowly. I stared at her for quite some time before leaning down and pressing my lips against her forehead.

I felt for this girl deeply, whether I wanted to admit it or not. I cared for her and I do not wish harm upon her. I deeply fear that she will find out too much, that her view of me will worsen that will ultimately lead her to insanity.