Sometimes I take another breath
Another step to embrace what I have
Then I stare at you staring back
And I know that I'm not dead
It takes a voice to make a change
It takes courage to not be the same
If the world is silenced today
I'll make sure to scream my name
Austin spends the next few weeks with me, plus his entire winter break. He wanted to make sure that I was taken care of and safe...from myself.
We would watch his videos together. And while he recorded new ones, I was always sitting in the back, listening to music.
Music. Yes, I went back to listening to the powerful words that helped me get through the first year after being diagnosed with my disorder...but that didn't mean that I was ready to play again.
I dreaded putting my fingers on the piano keys, or to strum even a single chord on my guitar, because I was afraid of failure. I was afraid that I lost something that I was once so proud of.
No one pressured me to play, at least not out loud. But I can see the need to hear me in Austin's eyes. I would overhear him talking to my parents about how much he loved listening to me sing and play through his window. And that was another fear of mine. I was afraid of disappointing him. Maybe if I start again, it won't give him the same warm feelings that it did years ago.
I see him turn around in his computer chair, locking our eyes together. The corners of his lips began to twist into a smile, and I felt courage. It was a spark that made me feel as if everything was going to be okay. That I'm not going to disappoint anyone. That my music is something that I need back in my life.
It was the only way that I expressed myself, and let my voice be heard without having to speak. There was something about the notes put together that screamed what I could never get my courage to say out loud, without using any words. A single song could bring a person to tears.
I look at the digital clock that sits right next to his bed. 10:47 pm.
"I should get home. Upload and catch some sleep" I say, getting up from his unmade bed.
He pulls me into his arms and places a kiss on my head before I climb out of his window and through mine.
I wait. I wait until I know that he and my parents are no longer awake, and then I make my move. I tiptoe down the hallway into a room that I haven't visited in such a long time.
The door creaks just like I remember it doing. I open it wide to be met with all my instruments. My dusty old guitar, My violin. And that massive grand piano that sits in the corner, untouched.
I place myself on the bench and remove the cover. Black and white keys stare back at me, begging for physical contact. I place my pale, bony fingers on them and play them all, slowly and carefully.
I ease into it, combining multiple notes until I find myself playing. The world around me disappears as I lose myself into a beautiful melody that fills the room. Tears stream down my face as memories fly through. This makes me happy...why did I ever give this up?
I hear a sob, but it's not mine. Another one comes, in a totally different pitch.
I look up to see my parents, their tears flowing down their cheeks. My mom's hand reaches over and wipes mine away.
"We're so proud of you" she whisperes.
"Thank Austin..."
YOU ARE READING
Schizoaffective | Luna (AustinFFA)
Fanfiction▼▼▼▼▼▼▼▼▼ "ˢᵒᵐᵉᵗⁱᵐᵉˢ ˢᵒᵐᵉᵗʰⁱⁿᵍ ʲᵘˢᵗ ᶜˡⁱᶜᵏˢ, ᵃⁿᵈ ⁱᵗ ᶜʰᵃⁿᵍᵉˢ ʸᵒᵘʳ ˡⁱᶠᵉ. ᶠᵒʳ ˢᵒᵐᵉ ⁱᵗ'ˢ ᶠᵒʳ ᵗʰᵉ ᵇᵉᵗᵗᵉʳ, ᵃⁿᵈ ᵗʰᵉ ᵒᵗʰᵉʳˢ ᵉⁿᵈ ᵘᵖ ⁱⁿ ʰᵉˡˡ" ▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲