Arizona
Today is the day.
I have to give details today. We woke up late and I haven't had a moment to myself.
Callie left me with the lawyer and a kiss. She has no idea how badly I'm freaking out. My hands are gripping the table, my nails digging into the finish on the wood. My breaths are shallow. My head is spinning. They are sitting not even twenty feet away from me. They could get to me, wrap their shackles around my neck, and take me hostage. They could hurt me again. The blood pounds in my ears; it's all I can hear. The lawyers hand is on my arm, she wants me to stand. We rise for the judge, who is, thankfully a woman. The jury is staring at me. All of them. I feel like an animal on display, they might as well bring out that cage the girls housed me in. I'm going to have to face it today. Oh god. I'm going to have to face all of it and I don't think I can do that. I've barely begun facing singular events in private with Callie. Callie. I need to see Calliope. She'll help me. She'll make it better.
The opening comments are brief, but they seem to take forever. My gaze is set firmly ahead of me. I can feel them staring at me, Penny is watching me. It raises the hair on the back of my neck and goose bumps break out over my arms. "Arizona Torres Robbins."
I hear my name and know I have to walk to the witness stand. But I can't, I can't. My legs feel like jelly.
"Arizona, come on."
I close my eyes and pretend it is Callie. Slowly I get up and make my way to the witness stand. The lawyer says something that I don't hear. All eyes are on me. I can't take all of these people staring at me.
They swear me in, as if I would lie about this. I don't even understand why I have to do this; they found me. "Arizona, we need the details. All of the details," the lawyer says, looking me in the eye. She lowers her voice, "Just like you practiced."
I close my eyes and my Calliope fills my head. My hand brushes my hip where the brand is. A deep breath. Another deep breath. Callie is with me. This is it. I don't remember day by day, but I have to tell them everything that I can.
"After I was taken, I was taken into what I assumed was a house. I was blindfolded and gagged. I had no idea where I was. They handcuffed me and chained the cuffs down. They left me kneeling on what I later found out was concrete. It was cold. I don't know for how long"
"Who are they?"
"Penny and... And Whitney Blake." I pause.
"Can you point them out for us?"
I look up and stretch out my arm. Pointing them out puts a label on my fear. "They...they're sitting right there."
"Please continue."
"The next thing I remember is terror building as they cracked a whip in the air. And then they whipped me. They whipped me until I passed out."
Gasps and whispers fill the air, rising from the gallery. I stop talking, stop talking Arizona. They are talking about you. The lawyer asks the judge to demand silence. She bangs the gavel and I jump. A calming breath. Deep breath. Help me, Calliope. Be with me.
"When...when I woke my...shirt was gone. The pain was unbearable. Like every inch of my skin on my back was on fire." I have to take another breath. The pain, the pain was so bad. "I heard them talking about selling me as...as a...a slave. They pulled a hood over my head and locked it with a padlock."
"May I present Exhibit A," the lawyer holds up my hood. My eyes are wide and my face flushes. She hands the hood to the judge. I am staring at her. She didn't tell me. "Arizona, what did the hood limit?"
"I - I...it, umm," I can't form words. They pulled that thing so tightly over my skin. "I couldn't see, and, and it was harder to hear."
"Okay, go on."
I want to crawl out of my own skin rather than do that. Breathe Arizona, breathe. Breathe. "They asked me questions. They hit me in the face. And then whipped my broken back again. They kicked my stomach. They called me a bitch and a lesbian, demanding answers. Then the belt buckle. They hit me with the belt buckle." I am shuddering violently. The ghost of that pain is still here, I can still feel it.
"Exhibits B and C," the lawyer said. My worst fears came true as she held up the bull whip they had used on me, and the belt. I can feel the sweat breaking out. I want to run, to scream. No, no, no, no. Not now. Everyone is watching me. I feel like an animal. Afraid and caged. "Please continue, Arizona."
I stare at her. "Wha - why didn't..."
"Arizona, continue."
"They cut my clothes off with scissors when I wouldn't tell them my girlfriend's name," I say automatically. I'll be punished if I don't answer. I don't want to be hit. "Penny raped me. They kicked me in the rubs until they cracked. Then they put clamps on my nipples. They left me alone. They came back a few times. I performed whatever sexual acts she wanted and she put a clamp on my - my clit."
I'm robotic and I know it. I just can't. But this time I'm ready when the lawyer holds up the clamps as evidence and people in the gallery gasp. I don't look. I can't.
"They put a collar on me."
"Exhibit E," the lawyer presents the collar. Whitney whistles, "She looked damn good in it too."
"Silence your client," the judge warns. Then she must have seen my face. "Prosecution. I can understand that you want to assure the jury of your validity, but we have video feeds. Is it necessary to put your client through this?"
Video. They filmed it. My god, oh my god. I can't watch that.
"This is for continuity purposes. Roll clip one," she says. "Arizona, you need to give conformation that it's you in the video."
My agonizing screams and the crack of the whip fill the air, and my head. Run! I look around the room wildly. I'm up. I'm moving. That door. I'm running to the closest door. Someone, the bailiff, is running after me. Get me out, get me out of here. My shrieks are in my head. I want to throw up all over again. "Your honor!" he yells. I'm fighting him. Fight him. His arms are holding me tightly. "It's okay, it's okay."
Penny is laughing, loudly. "Gimme that whip, I'll make her scream in person for you."
"No, no, no," tears are streaming down my cheeks. I don't hear them call the recess.
"You played video clips!" Callie screams. She's berating the lawyer, who is profusely apologizing. "What the HELL is wrong with you?"
"This is standard-"
"Did you even warn her?"
"We wanted the reaction-"
"If we weren't in a fucking courthouse I would tear you apart with my bare hands. You make her relive one more moment in video clips and I will destroy you," Callie snarls. I will be happy if I can get the sound of the whip out of my head. I can't. It's stuck on repeat. Everything is rushing back. "Zona?"
Calliope's soft call brings me back and I look at her big brown eyes. "I'm sorry." I whisper.
"No, you have nothing to be sorry about," she says. I can hear her, but I can't believe her. "You're going to have to go back in and finish your story. But no more videos."
"Why?"
"I don't know why they did that to you baby," she says. She knows me so well. I know in that instant that amidst all of this chaos, I love her.
"I love you," I say.
She stares at me.
