The Art Of Seduction ✓

|36| Sober

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 "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle."

Marilyn Monroe

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EVERYTHING FELT WRONG, I didn't even have the heart to open up my roomful of birthday presents. Allison hadn't noticed anything wrong on our drive home. She remained silent throughout, her mind elsewhere.

My lips felt heavy like oil. Heavy. I couldn't open my mouth even if I wanted to. Everything I said was toxic.

I moved my feet away from the ground, trying to make it look as normal as possible to avoid Allison from noticing. Blisters were all on my feet, I hadn't bothered going around the lake to find my blue heels. They felt like the scars I felt, that hid beneath my skin, burning through my blood and filling me with pain.

 As we drove, I could see the lake, blue and unthreatening in the light. If James was a tad bit slower, I'd be at the bottom of it, and the day wouldn't be cherry and everyone would mourn for me. If I'd jumped, only Kaden would be mad at me. No one would think twice about why, because Kaden and I were always mad at each other. I wouldn't have to live with the feeling of his lips on mine, once soft and the last time angry. I wouldn't close my eyes and see him look at me with pain or anger.

I wouldn't feel so trashy.

If only I'd jumped when I had my chance.

But fear hammered my heart when I thought of it now, without the influence of alcohol.

I could imagine the water, going down my throat and nose, burning me as my lungs filled with water making me heavier. I'd feel the pain of being unable to breathe and the fear of it keeps me away. It stopped me from jumping in sober.

Last nights sleep, gave me little to no mirth, even if Tassia got kicked out of the party. I just felt emptier, left without a punching bag to take my anger out on. I moved back, Rekha was beside me, silently she held my hand and pulled me back to my room.

The car moved slowly, some pop song playing, filling the space between Allison and I. It didn't pave way for conversation. I watched the roads, unfamiliar at first go back to familiar territory till we were driving down the road that led to our house. It was hard to not look at the house next door, it was hard as I got out of the car to do a quick search for his familiar red car which wasn't in sight. It was hard to not remember his eyes or the angry way his lips crashed with mine like it was a storm. 

I couldn't stop wishing that I realised how much Kaden meant to me before that night. 

It was bad enough I hurt him but I felt like I'd burned myself in the process.

It wasn't reassuring, as I made my way to my room. I couldn't stop replaying how cruel and mean I was. How I'd hurt the person I cared so much for. It felt like the bitter aftertaste of alcohol in the morning, the feeling you got before everything comes back out in the toilet bowl. 

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I SKIPPED SCHOOL on Monday. The guilt weighed down on me like rocks on a casket. I was unable to push myself out of the tomb I'd crawled into. I didn't want to see how any of them would look at me. I was afraid he'd tell everyone what a bitch I was. My friendship with Tassia was torn apart and I wouldn't be surprised if she told everyone that Kaden refused to sleep with me.