As Long As I Remember

The End

"I hope to see you there. I really do."

And with that he walks away. I stand in shock, not really knowing what to do with myself after this stranger who calls himself Matt kissed me on the forehead! Although I'm not completely convinced he's a stranger; something about him is just too familiar.

 I look down to the tattered notebook in my hands. I know I've seen it before, I just don't know where or how or why.

I don't want to deal with this right now! And I really don't want to deal with school and people who hate my guts.

Should I read it?

I make the decision to go "home" and think it over. Once I reach the my little shelter in the park, I sit down.

And I cry.

I cry because of my whole messed up life that I don't even remember; I cry because sometimes its better to do that than hold in all the anger and bitterness. Eventually, I stop. I don't think there are any tears left to shed.

And that's the moment when I decide to read the notebook. I will stop feeling bad for myself and take control of my life and solve the mystery of why I don't remember.

*hours later*

I sniffle, trying to hold back the tears. Everything that I have read so far seems so familiar, but the memory is just out of reach. It's like a fog is surrounding my brain and I can't see through it. Exhausted, I grab my ratty blanket and pull it over me. I fall asleep curled up against the notebook. In morning when I awaken, nothing is different. I had the same dream that I have every night.

Wait a minute.

The face of the boy in my dream.

My angel is Matt.

I bolt upright.

"O MY GOD!"

Birds fly away from my scream.

"OHH MY GOD!!!!"

Like one big puzzle, all the pieces start to fall together. The flashbacks are strong, so strong that I have to sit down. Like a ton of bricks, memory after memory comes back to me. My story, Maria and her mysterious death, my seizures, my relationship with Matt, my first kiss, that night at the motel, the stalker, even Matt being shot. The next, more recent memories are even more vivid. I see myself crossing the Outerbridge from NJ into Staten Island. I watch as Matt and I are trapped into that room above the Bagel Boy and shot at. I see him reach out to me as my world blacks out. Its almost a sensory overload: It all comes back to me at once.

Thank you, God!

What do you do when you just had an epiphany that pretty much solved the mystery that dominated your entire life?

Go and solve another.

With a new vigor and vengeance, I tear through Maria's notebook and quickly locate the address of the abortion center. I run to the nearby library, MapQuest the building, and take off in a cab with the meager amount of money I have to my name. Finally, I arrive in Ithaca, New York. I hop out of the cab and pay the fare, then travel down the deserted street.

But why do I feel like someone is following me?

Continuing on at my normal pace, I try to act like nothing is wrong as I walk down the street. I whip my head around.

Nothing.

I'm just being paranoid. Nobody is there.

I finally reach the building. It has an eerie feel to it, like the owners went on vacation and never came back to get their things. I walk up to the door. I ring the doorbell.