Beautiful Insanity (A Skyrim/Oblivion Fanfiction) ((ORIGINAL))

Love?

Regina isn't at her best in this chapter... As for the question she asks herself, what do you think?

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I pulled away from Jyggalag, confusion lighting my eyes. "Why have you been hiding from me? I'e searched for you for so long, and it seemed that I'd never find you. I thought that you'd been destroyed... beyond finding." He shook his head and cradled me against his chest.

"My Regina, I would never hide from you," he promised. "You are my love and my existence. If I'd had any say in it..." Jyggalag trailed off, seemingly lost for words.

It was at this point I noticed his attire. It was gray, form-fitting, and lacked any kind of ostentatious design. It was the same as when he... It completely contrasted my own, which was a split violet-yellow and had swirls of every kind adorning the fabric. His eyes were no longer catlike and golden. Now, they appeared to be a soft white-gray, and he had no pupils. 

Despite Jyggalag's comforting words, he seemed more hesitant than before. He was hiding something from me. I looked him in the eye, a shiver running down my back. "What is it?"

"It's nothing," he avoided, averting his gaze.

"Don't lie to me," I chastised lightly. He sighed, defeated. His wispy gray hair feathered in front of his face.

"Nothing can get past you, my dear, can it?" I pecked his cheek.

"No, I just know you." He paused, a hand on my hip.

"Regina, I could not come to you because I was... I was not dead. I did not die." This revelation was like a boulder had been thrown into my body-- and I reacted accordingly. I stumbled back, wondering what in all planes of Oblivion he was saying. "I had to leave."

"What is that supposed to mean?" I asked him warily, closing up. "Why?"

I know why he left you!

Shut up!

He figured he'd find some way to get rid of you-- cheap little toy you are.

No! It's not like that!

Ha! You know it is! He wanted to use you and leave you, like everyone else you know! Oops-- knew, isn't it?

Leave me be!

Why? You're still just a worthless little bitch. You're stupid, and an all-around bother.

"Regina?!"

"I'm not!" I barely registered his arms around me, though I recoiled when I could at last feel his touch.

"Regina, answer me!"

"Shut up! Shut up, shut up!" I squealed. It was the sudden feeling of weightlessness as he lifted me into the air that made me realize that I'd nearly collapsed onto the ground. His arms were supporting both my neck and my legs, and I could do nothing but shudder and close into his chest. His fingers stroked my hair delicately, and I distantly wondered what was going on.

Losing control and the feeling of never being wanted was something I'd hated since the moment I was born. Kary had always made sure that I felt subservient to her. She was the favorite, she was stronger... she didn't care that I'd read books and could write the most magnificent prose the world had ever seen. She didn't care that she already had more than me, from friends to beauty. She never cared. She lorded over me. Punched me, kicked me, then denied it all.

And my mother? She never knew a thing. Russet was oblivious to everything. Brynjolf was the same. Sometimes, it seemed to me that my parents would prefer to have sex than be who they were supposed to be! I was alone in this world, I was a horror. I'd had it drilled into my head the second I could walk. Where did it stem from? Oblivion if I knew... but I was sure the majority had come from Kary. Karliah never wanted me as a sister. I was a shame.

I absently wondered if she missed me. Did she mourn me? My absence? Or was she feeding on the attention it got her? Was she pretending I never existed? By the Princes, I didn't know what was going on in my own mind. I almost laughed as I considered something: Was I always insane, or did this position bring it to me?

"It's alright, calm down, my love... calm down. I'm here." Slowly, his voice drew me out of the prison, and I felt ashamed of myself. I didn't want to make a fool of myself, even if it was in front of someone I loved so greatly.

Love is better off pushed out. That way, no one can hurt you. But this still hurt like a son of a bitch. A simple word, one confession, and it was enough to make me recoil and cry. Send me right back into the blackness.

"Regina?" Then it was over. My eyes open and met his blank white-gray ones, though I could tell that he was concerned-- or at least appeared to be. I shivered and tried to leave his arms, to stand on my own. He didn't allow it. "Regina, love... what happened?"

At that point, I could only focus on one thought out of a thousand, so I grasped it tightly and made it a phrase. "There is no love in you."