MSy's REVIEWS & WRITING GUIDES

2: The Morgue Keepers (by Ryleigh_831)

Hello there Ryleigh_831!

First of all, thanks for requesting. I'm here to help and I hope this critique would be of assistance to you and your writing.

BTW, take this with a pinch of salt. I'm not by any means a professional at critiquing; my comments are merely my thoughts as a reader.

 Soooo, on with the review!  

My initial thoughts:

Interesting choice of theme for a first-time paranormal writer.

I myself am fascinated with the genre (especially if it's a horror flick with a good storyline to back it up).

It's a good angle that the MC, Amelia's relationship with her parents is pushed aside in some way because of their line of work/business that they'd had for 18 years.

It seems she's been experiencing paranormal stuff. Maybe she's a medium or something? IDK I'm quite excited to see how this apparent trait of hers would dictate the course of the story. I'd like to see how the odd, paranormal events progress in the next few chapters. Good job with building up suspense!

Technical aspects:

There were minor punctuation errors in the chapters (e.g. missing commas and full stops, apostrophes) but no biggie.

A facet of writing a fiction story that you should work on is to do more showing and less telling. You can find many articles about this topic online and here on Wattpad.

Also, try not to info-dump in one chapter. By this, I mean you could share something about your characters little by little in the span of the first 3-5 chapters, instead of telling the readers a lot about your characters and their backgrounds in the 1st chapter.

Consider slipping in another introductory scene in the very beginning or add another one at the end (doesn't have to be long -- just a sneak peek of how the characters interact with each other). I noticed that most readers on here, the younger ones especially, prefer stories with more dialogue than narration and description -- kids today just have very short attention spans :)

If this is a novel you're planning to write, the length of your chapters could be at least 2500 words; it's the preferable length according to most people on here.

Also I think your descriptions could be better. I'm not saying that your style is bad -- I just think the imagery (especially in between dialogues) could be improved. Write it in a way that would excite and make your readers nervous while reading through your chapters. It's a paranormal story after all -- I want goosebumps and actual fear as I scroll down the pages :)

I understand that this is your first time to write a paranormal fic, so I'm giving you tips as a beta-reader. Don't take my criticism too seriously.

On another note, you have a pretty good foundation in this first chapter. Just try to broaden and improve the setting (the narration with imagery), and the transitioning from narration to dialogue.

In the part where Amelia was conversing with the dead brunette girl's body, you could improve the imagery by adding a few sentences with graphic details (I wanted to feel as if I was in the room/morgue too but I felt like the scene was a bit rushed). You could describe how the dead girl's voice sounded, how her pale skin looked up close, how it felt (if Amelia ever dared to touch the dead body hehehe). Just things like that.

It shows your readers that you've put much time and effort into your work, and they'll appreciate it more.

So far I can say you have a knack for characterization and descriptions. Your narration and imagery just needs a little more fine-tuning here and there. The theme/subject of the storyline is interesting and made me curious enough to read on.

Best of luck on the next chapters! :)

-Sy