MSy's REVIEWS & WRITING GUIDES

11 : "The Search for Love" (by HeySteff)

CRITIQUE

Hi, Ms. Steff! Been a while. Musta na? Mukhang busy ka ulit sa school/work?

This is my review of your story "The Search for Love", na ni-request mong i-critique ko.

Gaya ng mga nabanggit ko sa huli kong review ng isa mong story, halos pareho naman din ang mga komento ko sa iyong pagsusulat.

 (Tagalog muna tayo ngayon. Nauubusan din ako ng English minsan. hehehhe)

Magaling kang mag-establish ng conflict at character development sa umpisa pa lang, at nakakaaliw ang pag-bi-build up mo sa mga karakter na isinusulat mo sa iyong mga stories. :)

Meron lang akong mga maliliit na corrections sa grammar at punctuation errors na nakita ko sa chapters na nai-publish mo na.

Pasensya na kung hindi ko na malalahat. Kampante naman akong masasanay ka na sa mga proofreading tips na ibinibigay ko, at kalaunan kaya mo nang mag-edit ng chapters ng ikaw na lang. :)

SOME CORRECTIONS I suggest you make:

"I'm sorry...I can't accept your feelings."

Nakatingin siya sa'kin. (more correct  contraction)

Naramdaman ko na lang

Katulad ng huling beses na nakatanggap ako ng rejection, naiwan na naman

(typos)

*Remember what I mentioned last time about lessening the switches from English to Tagalog (and vice versa) in a single sentence. ;)

tingin ko hindi na kaya ng tearducts ko (spelling)

Sa tingin ko nasanay na rin ako. ("narin" should be "na rin")

Suko na ako. I'm giving up. (missing apostrophe)

corrections on dialogue punctuation:

"Are you sure na okay ka lang?" tanong sa akin ni Sweet.

(gumamit ka kasi ng dialogue tag, kaya hindi dapat capital letter and 'T' sa "tanong" :))

It's been two days since the day Jasper rejected my heart-to-heart confession.

Mawawala lang 'to. Reyna ako ng 'move on'.

Mga walang'ya talaga -- pinamumukha talaga nila sa akin na bitter ako.

(missing punctuation)

Nag-aalala siya dahil

(use hyphen instead of an apostrophe)

"Uy, 'wag mo silang tingnan ng ganyan," saway ni Sweet sa akin.

*insert paragraph break kasi bumalik ka na kay Stef*

Nilingon ko siya. "At bakit naman hindi?" naiinis kong tanong.

Ininom nito ang mango shake na in-order. (missing hyphen) "Baka matunaw sila," she answered flatly.

*insert paragraph break

Pinandilatan ko siya. "Whatever. Nasaan na ba si Gale?

Is that it?" tanong ko.

Babayaran ko muna 'to," sabi nito saka nagmamadaling pumunta sa counter.

*u used dialogue tags so no capitalization required

dahil nag-e-emote pa 'yung isa kong kaibigan. (missing punctuation when joining a tagalog prefix and an english word)

Mas uminit ang ulo ko nang marinig ko ang hagikgik ng babae sa kabilang table.

("ng" has a different use from "nang")

ng = "of" (e.g. sintas ng sapatos)

nang = "when" (e.g. Naiyak siya nang makita niya ang kawawang bata.)

"Ponting, hintay!"

*insert paragraph break to indicate that it was Sweet who spoke, not Stef.

Napalingon ako kay Sweet. Tumatakbo siya patungo sa akin. Hinintay ko na lang siya.

*insert paragraph break

Tumigil siya sa harap ko, hihingal-hingal. "Grabe ka naman. Bilis mong maglakad. Ba't 'di mo 'ko hinintay?"

*the contractions on their dialogue would make them sound more realistic :)

"I didn't tell you to follow me," I said. Then I noticed she frowned afterward. "Pwede ka namang umuwi," I suggested.

She suddenly shook her head. *grammar error

I rolled my eyes. (typo)

*Alrighty! The corrections I've provided would be enough, so I'll head on to the general critique.

Okay. Sa first chapter pa lang, naintriga na ako sa story lalo pa nu'ng tinapos mo sa isang cliffhanger ang chapter. Nice work!

Nakakatuwa na lagi na lang bugnutin si Stef kasi nga heartbroken at pati tuloy mga kaibigan niya nasusungitan niya. hehehhe

I liked the element of mystery you included in the chapters,especially the part where there's this anonymous caller who doesn't even answer back when spoken to.

Creepy konti pero feeling ko masosorpresa kaming mga readers kung sino talaga 'yung tumatawag sa kanya na ayaw magpakilala. heheh

*In the 3rd chapter, I was kinda surprised to find out Stef and Mystery Guy were actually schoolmates. I thought they just happen to ride the bus together a few times. hehehe

Nice that you're building up conflict and that you're aiming to make Jasper rueful of his actions before. He should feel guilty! :( He broke Stef's heart just like that. But I guess it's a good thing

Stef realized his true colors early on. Maybe she'll find a better suited guy for her soon ;)

*The fourth chapter had a lot more text convo and the latter part of the narration made me smile. Nakakilig 'yung chemistry nila Stef at Mr. Mysterious na si Christian na classmate rin pala niya ngayon. What a coincidence!

Sana ganyan din ka-exciting 'yung college life ko noon. Katabi ko crush ko sa classroom, nagkakausap kami, etc. Pero...walang ganu'ng nangyari eh. LOL

Like in the previous chapters, there were some typos and spelling errors but they're minimal and don't really distract me from reading on.

Your storyline progression is fun to read and the characters' interactions would delight your teen readers. ;)

Gaganda at gagwapo rin pala ng characters mo. Great cast! :)

All in all, it was a fun read and your story's premise will definitely catch the attention of teen fic readers. Just keep working on the points I mentioned, advertise your story more, interact with other Wattpad readers/writers, and this will have more dedicated readers in the future.

Good luck! :) Nice work!