MSy's REVIEWS & WRITING GUIDES

15: "The Faithful Bodyguard" (by ExtrovertedNinjaStar)

Hi there, @ExtrovertedNinjaStar!

Thank you for requesting for a critique. I believe this super late review warrants a proper apology so, my sincere apologies for the super looong delay. Anyhoo, you clicked on my Review Book hoping to receive a proper critique and some constructive feedback so let's get on to business, shall we? :)

First off, your BLURB:

It was short but it got my interest, and it was mostly well-written. I would suggest some edits just to improve the narration just a little bit so everything would read smoothly. :)

There is more to Erin Meyers than meets the eye.

(insert paragraph break for dramatic pause) ;)

At first glance, she may seem like the typical American teen with a certain passion for running. What people don't know about Erin is the fact that she leads a double life as a successful / promising CIA spy. (i would choose promising since it's apparent she's about the same age or at least looks like a teenage girl. 'promising' kinda makes her career status a bit more realistic :))

When Erin is assigned a mission to fly to Korea and protect EXO, she unravels more secrets about her life that she herself had not even imagined.

(so i made a few tweaks here and there. totally up to u if you'll use this version or not)

The COVER:  Looks good IMO. The abstract pattern on the cover was a nice touch. The font you used for the title and author's name looks a bit blurry on my laptop screen, but maybe it's just my snail-speed internet connection over here. 

Off to the next part! The Prologue.

A really good teaser for a fanfiction with EXO as the main character's co-stars ;)

It was short and made me want to know more about the MC, and it made me want to click on the next part.

Nice job. :)

Next piece, the 1st chapter.

It was well-written for the most part. I can tell just from the opening paragraphs that you put effort into your work.

Your MC seems interesting and I wanted to know more about her and what's it like to be her, a seemingly ordinary teenage girl who also happens to be a spy for the government. Cool. :)

From what I've read, there were only several grammar errors and inconsistencies. I came across a few issues that you will need to look over once you're in the editing process. Don't worry -- they're rather minor issues which I will enumerate in detail in just a bit.

My main concern about this introductory chapter is that your transition from the first scene to the next was quite iffy, same goes with the next ones. Perhaps you could consider my suggested edits below:

1) For the part with the introspective line in Erin's POV, I think writing them in italics would be better. Or maybe I'm just being finicky ;) I'm just not used to reading character introspections in bold font.

2) Then you switched to all caps formatting in the next sentence. I understand that it was meant to denote a transition to another scene, the following scene where your MC is called upon by her CIA boss, but I guess writing it this way would make ur narration read a little more smoothly:

" Which is why it wasn't pleasant...

(insert paragraph break)

An hour later, I find myself sitting with a fellow spy, Clara, in the big boss' office. (i took the liberty of replacing your verb tense with a present tense just so most readers wouldn't think you've suddently switched to past tense)