Hey there, Ash!
So thank you for requesting. What I post on here is a summary of my thoughts after having read your story. Take it with a grain of salt; I am in no way a professional at giving critiques. These are just my opinions as a reader.
So on with the critique! :)
Nice that you've posted three parts already! :) Keep it up.
Eli & Andi, after reading the first two chapters, has a storyline that would pique the interest of your demographic (Teen Fic + Romance Fic Wattpad readers). The theme you've chosen is interesting and quite unusual, and demands a proper introduction as the readers scroll through the pages.
Remember not to info dump in one chapter, though, as some people would find it tedious and overwhelming, and they would likely move on to another book.
The gender segregation in the first scene made me curious enough to read more about the characters. Your narration was good, but I think it could be improved. You just have to spend some time reading the chapters over and over for you to figure out which parts need proofreading /rewriting.
As stated in you blurb, the characters are well aware of their gender identities even before they've met each other. I'd like to see how their acquaintance blossoms into a friendship, and then maybe into a deeper relationship over the next few chapters. Remember to pace it out -- the storyline of your characters meeting and falling in love with each other should never be rushed. This is to maintain that realistic tone and narration throughout the story.
Bear in mind that the percentage of Wattpad readers you want to have as your audience for your book have already read a lot of romance stories on here, and I think they're now better at criticizing and distinguishing well-written stories from other, well, not so polished stories.
After having read through two chapters, I can say that your descriptive skills are pretty good. The details you've provided throughout the first chapters helped me imagine the characters and the setting. Nice job. Having written a few books myself, though, I think the imagery could be improved, and I know you can do better. ;)
Play with the senses! :) You could describe how the air felt, if it was a windy day, if the sunlight almost blinded their eyes as they got off the bus, and so on.
Since it's a school setting, I'd like to know more about what their campus looks like, the kids they go to school with, etc. Give the readers some elements and time to imagine your story's setting and characters, their interaction, reactions, and the like.
Descriptive imagery makes for more substantial, lengthier chapters. So, keep the adjectives coming! :) Don't overdo it, though. You could just slip in a descriptive phrase or sentence every two/three paragraphs, just to keep the reader informed on what's actually going on with the characters and their surroundings as they converse.
For a full-length novel, the chapters could be a bit longer, perhaps 2500 words per chapter. It's a preferable length. Some writers even post chapters with 3000-5000 words.
Technical aspects:
Minor grammar errors
e.g.
(Chapter 2) She walked off the bus and went to her locker,
Dialogue punctuation needs editing
e.g.
"But I'm an 8th grader," she said to Andi.
"But I don't mind these uniforms," she said.
"Hey," they said.
(Who's they? So Andi had other friends with her while they were conversing in the library?)
Improve the transitioning from one character speaking to another character speaking.
e.g.
"Can I sit here?" she asked shyly.
(I'm thinking it was Eli who asked?) Be cautious of using pronouns. If your characters being featured in one chapter are both female, I'd have to guess who was speaking whenever you write like this:
"Hi," she said to the person next to her.
"Hello," she greeted back.
I'm not saying you should use the character's actual name every time he/she speaks. Just try not to depend on pronouns when writing.
You should insert paragraph breaks whenever a new character speaks.
"Can I sit here?" she asked shyly.
Andi nodded, being too shy to say anything.
I noticed that you switched POVs a lot in this first chapter. If this is your style of writing for this story, I suggest that you gather some feedback from other readers to see if they've had a bit of an issue with the POV switches. I'm guessing they're POV switches because you label the succeeding paragraphs with the main characters' names, depending on who's speaking.
I also came across minor spelling issues.
e.g.
...had hair that was dyed white,
...most of that was covered by a gray beanie.
...because she was born female.
*The adjective "shyly" was used rather frequently in close proximity. You could use synonyms for "shyly" so as not to sound repetitive. It makes readers think you've put more effort into your writing.
More showing, less telling.
e.g. "H-Hi," she said nervously to the person...
*Instead of using "nervously", you could describe just what would make Andi think Eli was nervous. Like, did she avert her eyes after greeting Andi? Did her voice waver a bit? Things like that.
Overall, you have a pretty solid start. Characterization is there, the premise is quite interesting, and most scenes had descriptive imagery.
Keep writing and best of luck! :)
-Sy
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Non-Fiction[ CLOSED ] [ HR: #68 in Non-Fiction ] In this book, you will read only honest and fair reviews, basic writing guides, and comments on short stories or any published Wattpad works that have been submitted to the critique list for my perusal. My revi...
