MSy's REVIEWS & WRITING GUIDES

18: "The Arena" (by Loversadfriends)

A good day/evening to you, @Loversadfriends!

Since you personally messaged me to request for my editing services, I took the time to read your first chapters and jotted down the parts (not all, though) that needed your attention and proofreading. I apologize if I did not finish retyping all of the parts that needed edits, but just by reading through this detailed review I will give you, I'm pretty sure you'll be good at editing/proofreading on your own in no time. :)

You've asked me to look at your grammar, sentence structure, and punctuation, and help you sort out a few issues to improve your published chapters. From here onwards, you will read my general feedback on your writing as a reader myself, plus specific corrections I deem necessary to polish off your story, and the rationale why I made such corrections.

So here they are :)

1. BLURB:

**well-written save for a few typos:

pack members

formerly believed

nothing more than a

2. Prologue:

Well-written for the most part.  The scenery was described, character building was quite enough, and the premise in the summary (although not that original anymore) still makes for a good read for most (I imagine) vampire/werewolf story fans out there. From the first paragraphs alone, I could tell you have put the time and effort into this story.

Reading a prologue written in italics and with all paragraphs center-aligned was kinda new for me. It didn't distract me that much, though. 

Below are the parts where edits could be made:

his son   (you used this a lot in the first paragraph, in almost every sentence. maybe try replacing it with another word or the dead son's actual name? idk. up to you)

eyes losing their light

They were forced to fight; all wolves were forced to fight. (a semicolon would be more appropriate since the two clauses are complete sentences)

Even though he was fighting a battle, too, he couldn't help but condemn himself.

Guilt was his predator, and he was its prey. (no apostrophe necessary)

He was too paralyzed to escape, and doomed to be devoured by it. (i guess that's what u meant to say)

"Shhh... I know it hurts, but look. It's finally ending." (full stops are more correct instead of commas)

No more hurt and pain," the man said, (or replace it with another dialogue tag since 'cooed' can't be used as a dialogue tag)

*One more thing: In the beginning of the prologue, the POV you used was a man's and he was so taken up with the loss of his son, before the first dialogue was spoken, and then the POV suddenly shifted to a woman's (the MC's, I guess) perspective in the last sentence of the fourth paragraph. Perhaps you could think of a way to make the transition read smoothly?

The field full of dead souls -- souls that had died in the most crucial way. (try to not overuse commas and try to vary your punctuation in some parts. just to liven up the narration somehow. just a tip)

She knew that she couldn't lose anyone else; it would truly be the death of her. (a semicolon or a dash would be more correct)

They walked through the large French double doors, deep red in color, and then into a large foyer. (adding a conjunction made the sentence flow a bit better)