MSy's REVIEWS & WRITING GUIDES

10 : "Before you" (by seoafin)

Greetings, Ms. Seoafin!

Apologies for the delay. I see you've updated "Before You" last week and sorry I wasn't able to finish this review sooner. Been busy with work and everything else. ;) My initial comments are posted on here, and you can read the full critique on my BOOK of REVIEWS later. :)

So let's get right to it, shall we?

When I first read the blurb/summary of your story, my initial reaction was, "Yeah. It's nice and well-written." It didn't give away too much information, just a sneak peek of their lives before.

For a teen fiction which I suppose is also a love story (I haven't read the first chapters at this point), the premise is pretty interesting and from the tags alone, I can tell you've included other interesting themes into the storyline.

Good work! It's not just another campus-set girl-meets-boy-falls-head-over-heels plot. Your main characters, Lamia and Daemon, seem a little different from the usual teen fic characters on here and I'm expecting some variety on the teen-characters-falling-in-love-on-campus trope.

Also, be reminded that as you read on, you will find that I have provided suggestions (just minor corrections) to better enhance your writing -- overall comments on the plot, characters, pace, and technical issues i have come across.

In providing feedback, I am merely giving you, the author, an insight on what your readers think about the story. If you find my suggestions/corrections unnecessary, kindly ignore them and just keep writing. ;) I am not by any means a professional at this, and I only wish to be of help to you when you're writing and editing.

So much for that! Let's discuss the blurb.

A few suggestions:

The world "life" was repeated one too many times in a single paragraph. Maybe a synonym or another phrase could be used instead. :) (Just my opinion, though.)

Daemon -- now Daemon Valkov. Never anticipated having feelings for the best friend

Only this time -- he's not planning on

(minor punctuation and grammar corrections)

-TECHNICAL ISSUES:

CHAPTER 1:

Okay, so this first chapter was well-written and the narration was good.

some minor corrections:

Next to the brochure was an opened letter,

(typo)

I should have been thrilled; I was finally getting out of here.

I didn't mind; I would rather be left alone

(a semicolon or a full stop would be more appropriate than commas)

desk drawer -- the drawer I used to keep my most valuable objects in. (typo)

It was scarce, with only five items inside: a pocket watch, a locket,

The boy was slightly older -- he wore a baseball hat

(punctuation variation can help improve the narration) :)

than the pantry; the walls were pallid and on

(or you could use a comma but turn the next sentence into a dependent clause)

than the pantry, the walls pallid and shadowed by the room's lack of light. On the small bed

Then a sharp voice cut into my thoughts. "It's time to go, Lamia." (missing dialogue punctuation)

After showing me to my room, my guide had left me,