MSy's REVIEWS & WRITING GUIDES

22: " Shut Up and Dance" (by Sam_le_fou)

Ciao! @Sam_le_fou

How's it goin' over there? Everything good? :)

As promised, I have read your story and have come up with a (somewhat thorough) critique to help you with your writing.  

 Bear in mind that this is just a summary of my opinions as another reader of your story. Should you find any comments unnecessarily harsh or finicky, don't mind my being too self-opinionated and just focus on the more reformative and constructive parts of this critique.

Without further ado, here is your book review!

:)

Let's start with the blurb, shall we?

BLURB/SUMMARY:

it piqued my interest and definitely made me tap on the 'READ' button;

your prose straight off tells me that you're well-read and you put effort into your writing

COVER:

nice monochromatic effect;

on point and is relevant to your story's theme and genre;

the size of the title could be a tad smaller so that it doesn't take up about 90% of the cover;

the white font of the smaller texts (author's name and caption) could have a more definite shadowed effect because of the gray-white smoke almost being the same color

(i often read Wp books on my phone and i couldn't quite make out the author's name on your cover and the font was too small)

1st Chapter:

Nice opener! It hooks the readers in with the descriptive phrases you included in the first paragraph. Just from the first chapter alone, you were able to establish your narrative voice. It's quite solid and the attention to detail is gripping. Your way of characterization and setting up imagery certainly impressed me and the other readers who have voted and commented on your book. 

Your descriptive 3rd person writing style is effective as well as your character development, but I also came across a few kinks in your narration. Some of them are detailed below.

TECHNICAL ISSUES:

Inconsistent tenses

-first scene was written in present tense

-then the transition into past tense narration made me pause and think if it was intentional or not

-some parts of the first chapter also had tense switches, which i will point out later

PUNCTUATION

Just a tip: try not to overuse commas and vary your punctuation from time to time.

Edit comma splices

e.g. 

 He collapses under his own weight; his knees try and fail to break his fall. (a semicolon would be more correct)

Other typos & punctuation errors:

pop-up book

that makes you dream—awake! (an em dash would be more appropriate)

Peace: only a DayDream aw— (use a dash instead of a hyphen to denote a pause in speech or a break in thought)

"I wasn't fini—" the skinny man mumbled,

cutting the ad   (should be in lowercase since 'ad' isn't a proper noun)

Only a tinge of static (adding 'slight' kinda makes it sound redundant)