Faded Away

Letter: 46

I am sorry.

I'm really sorry for being rude to you.

I don't know why , but I lost control all of a sudden.

Its just that I want to know what happened to me.

Why it happened to me?

And you gave me hope.

Hope of being free again.

But then you started asking me the same questions all over again and I could't find a way to answer differently.

How can I explain to you something that even I can't understand?

  How can I explain it to you about all the pain and shock I felt when no one could see me?

When no one could hear me?

When I couldn't touch anything?

  How can I explain you the need for attention I felt that forced my to try to kill myself?

How could I just write it to you?

All of these thoughts, they got me so confused. So angered that I couldn't contain it anymore.

I had to get it all out and the only way to do that was writing to you.

You are right.

I am greedy and mean and all of those unsaid words that mind have come to your mind while writing to me.

Maybe that is why I am like this.

I don't even remember what sort of a person I was.

I don't remember my name. My parents.

I don't even remember how I looked like.

Not even the sound of my voice.

It's like everything is wiped out of my brain.

Everything except for the bitter memory of the coin.

No matter how much I try to forget it, I can't.

It's like a curse.

I am cursed.

And after so many people, Amara, you are the only one who has gone this far with me.

The only one who has even thought of helping me.

If you want to get rid of me, I can totally understand it.

Its is completely my fault.

Anything that has happened to me so far is completely my fault.

Sometimes I even wish to die.

Death is better than being like this.

I would be even more grateful to you if you grind the coin to a fine powder, as you said.

At least, then I would be free.

If not in this life, then the next.