Scarlett (Sequel to What These Bruises Say)

Bathroom Floor, Elevator Doors and Niall Horan

sorry to that girl who keeps telling me what chapter im on...i dont listen nor do i remember. 

((also there is a video to the side of me reading scarlett's voicemail and you guys should listen to it and i hope it brings feels.))

"Niall. I, uhm, I really thought you liked me. We've been through so much, and, I, I thought it brought us together. Now I see you with Tori and I just, I just hate her in every way because she is so fucking perfect for you. I understand, I really do, but, but why cant you like me? I know I'm a freak, God, I probably scared you away. Ni, I just want you to know that I like you, hell, I've been falling for you, hard. I remember when we kissed and everything just seemed to overwhelm me, it's like a reflex Niall. Killing myself and hurting myself, they just happen. But that day, that moment you ran into our room, I could see how much you cared for me. From- oh my god I sound just like a girl- from then on, I think I really loved you. I-I want you to be happy, although I was hoping it'd be with me, I'm glad you're happy with Tori. But, I just, Niall I cant do this! I can't look at the two of you cuddled on the couch, or holding hands, or when you sing to her... it's killing me!...you're killing me. Before you left, you told be to be happy. The only time I'll ever be happy, is the moment every part of me dies. When my heart stops beating. When my eyes close for the last time. When my brain shuts off. The moment I take my last breath, I will be happy. I'm not okay Niall, I've never been okay."

-Scarlett-

I don't know. 

I will never know.

Why I did what I did.

But I do know.

That I am a coward. A sinner. A fuck up. A loner. I'm annoying. I'm loud. I'm an attention seeker. My dad hated me. I deserved what I was given. My mom couldn't stand me. I'm a charity case. I'm disgusting. I'm ugly. I'm unlovable. And Niall would rather date Tori than love me. 

I think I sat on the bathroom floor for hours. Writing small meaningful words on little colored pills. 

My mind was clouded with thoughts. 

If I cut deep enough I could die right here, right now. 

If I take one of each of these pills, I can disappear. 

A weight would be lifted from everyone's shoulders. 

Do I want a funeral? 

Should I write a suicide note? 

Who will cry when I'm dead? 

Would they hold a memorial?

Will they even remember my name in a year? 

I'm sorry for being annoying. For being a freeloader. A fuck up. 

I will never be good enough for Niall. I know that. 

And while all these thoughts ran through my head, it reminded me of a storm. I love storms, because I learn that even the sky screams sometimes too.

But I'm mentally exhausted. I do this every night. Sit on the bathroom floor, weighing my options. Live life by watching Niall fall in love with someone else or die and be happy.

Nonetheless, I'd rather Niall be happy than for I to be. So I stay alive...on the outside.

Because I died long ago. Long before Tori showed up. Even before Niall showed up.