Weight of Living || The Galaxy Cat Sweater {Bastille || Dan Smith || The 1975}

77: Cocaine Doesn't Feel Like This

- HOUSTON HERE WE GO! - Kyle shouted as we entered the bus to be on the road again. 

I really wasn't in the mood to chat, so I just went to the bedroom. I put on my pajamas and laid in bed, sliding under the comfy duvet. 

There was something about that day that made me extremely annoyed. I didn't know what it was, but I was just really angry at everything all of a sudden, and also hurt and kind of disappointed. 

I thought hard about it, and only got to one conclusion: myself. 

Being Leo for the day showed me how pathetic I was as Anna. The real Anna is Leo. The one that doesn't give a fuck, that doesn't apologize, that just burns people and doesn't give a shit about what they think. Down deep, the real Anna was Leo. But that real Anna was covered by the coward, idiot, pathetic, shy Anna. People treated me so bad over the years, that I became so scared of everything, I created that apologetic personality. I mean, if I was always sorry and always quiet on the corner, they wouldn't pick on me, would they? At least they picked less. But at the same time, the Leo inside me was growing too. It just needed a push, an assurance that I was loved and that I had support, for it to break through. I really didn't care about what they thought. I didn't give a shit about anyone, at all. But then Dan came. He gave me that push to free Leo, but I was still afraid. What if he was lying? And with all that happened on the last days, when I was finally freeing myself, he fucked up. Just like he fucked up before. But this time it was real bad. So I was hiding again, until I was given the opportunity to show them who I truly was. They didn't know that I was like that, and probably even I didn't know I was like that. But now that I'm thinking about it, it all sunk it. 

I am Leo. I don't give a shit about anything besides the people I love, like Dan and the guys, Thomas, Alex, Peter, Nadia. I really don't care about my future. I don't see a future for myself. I'm that kind of person that just wants to party, drink, do drugs, you know, ''seize the moment''. It sounds stupid, especially because I am so shy and insecure, but deep down I know it's like that. I don't give a fuck. 

Thinking about all that and reasoning all that lifted a huge weight off my chest. All those thoughts that were stuck inside me for all those years, all the weight of living, it was lifted off me. I was free, now. I could be whoever I wanted to be without needing love. Even though I had love, I felt like it was a bonus. I didn't need it.

That was it. I was free. 

- ANNA, ANNA, ANNA! - Someone shook my shoulders and screamed at my face. I was thrown back to reality and focused on the person above me. - Anna, dammit! Are you okay? - Dan said.

- Yes... yes. - I mumbled. - What happened? - I asked as I sat up and rubbed my eyes. 

- You were mumbling stuff on your sleep. A lot of stuff. Confusing, disjointed things. - Woody said.

- Are you sure you didn't do cocaine? - Kyle asked.

- Yes, cocaine doesn't feel like this. - I said, looking around, confused. 

- I'm sorry? - Dan almost shouted. I didn't realize what I had said until I looked at them.

- What? - I asked, pretending I said nothing.

- How do you know it doesn't feel like that, Anna? - Will asked. - You did cocaine?

- What? No! - I almost screamed, nervous. I shifted away from Dan's grip and rubbed my eyes again. 

- Anna, look at me. Everything's okay. We're not going to hurt you. - Dan looked into my eyes and held my hands. I wanted to scream at him to get away from me, I wanted to stay away from everyone, I needed time to think, I needed time alone. Instead, I just slipped my hands away from his. - What's happening?

- I don't... - Look, there's me being a coward again. Stand up, Anna. say the truth. - I need some time alone. - I managed to not stutter and I hope I looked secure of myself, because truly I was fucking scared. What if they said no? What if they thought I was being an ungrateful bitch? What if-

- Okay, darling. If you need anything, we're just by the other side of the door. I love you. - Dan said and looked at me sympathetically. Wow, he was so comprehensive... I nodded and he stood up, leaving with the others. 

I slumped down on the bed, letting my head hit the soft pillow. I sighed heavily before breaking down. I cried hard, tears freely streamed down my cheeks, and I didn't try to stop them. I just let them flow. I couldn't hold anything inside anymore.

 I stood there for what seemed like hours, but the time around me didn't seem to pass. The guys didn't come to talk to me, the bus didn't stop, the sunlight didn't come.

I sobbed and mumbled things to myself until eventually I fell asleep.

***

I woke up the next morning with the sunlight warming my face and a soft snoring coming from above me. I opened my eyes and looked at the window in front of me. Trees and bushes passed fast as we neared the city. 

I turned around on the small bed searching for Dan, but I was faced with an empty space beside me. I rubbed my eyes and sat up as I tried to recall last night's events.

It all came flooding in.

Anna, Leo, crying, sobbing, screaming, mumbling, true self. Being free, being loved, being scared. I don't care, do I? I can't do this on my own, can I? Standing up for myself...

- Anna? - Someone called. I looked up and Will was awake. 

- Morning. - I said. 

- Morning. Are you feeling okay? - He asked, concern on his tone. I smiled faintly and nodded. He nodded back before turning around on his bed and going back to sleep.

I checked the hour: almost 7am. I got up and got changed into denim shorts, a pale blue Of Monsters And Men oversized t-shirt and my blue all stars. 

I lazily went to the living room and found Dan asleep on the couch. It broke my heart; he seemed so uncomfortable there, on that ridiculously small space, even though he looked peaceful. I could just leave him to rest there, but I opted for waking him up and leading him to bed. 

He was a bit groggy when I laid him down. I smiled at how adorable he looked mumbling things to himself. I kissed his cheek and pulled away, ready to make my way down to the kitchen, when he held my hand. 

- Stay. - He groaned. I looked down at him and he tried to open his eyes, but the sunlight was blocking his vision. I closed the courtins and he smiled, thankful.

I smiled and kicked my shoes off as I snuggled into him, once again laying under the duvet. 

I rested my head on his chest and he caressed my back.

I felt his chest rising up and down; I listened to his heartbeat and his breathing, and it felt even better than listening to his voice. 

When I was younger, I promised I would never fall in love. Love wasn't real, after all. They talk about love and pretend to love you just to fuck you up in different ways. Love is never good, and it's useless. If you fall in ''love'', then you're screwed.

But then I saw love was real.

And I just saw the mess I got into when I realized I was utterly, undeniably and foolishly in love with him.

---

sorry for the boring chapters, this was kind of a filler to explain the whole leo/ anna thing (i think you just saw him as a joke but the character anna gets a whole new vision after him, right? ha you thought you saw the last of me) 

anyway, i opted for staying at home and skipping school tomorrow bc school sucks

and im feeling really depressed lately so yeah i'll just update weight of living until i get motivation/ creativity to work on friendship and run away, sorry

i hope you're having a great night/ afternoon/ morning, idk, and thanks for the votes and comments x