Self Harm Assesment

L i f e

You know. I've got to say I've come a long way from my heartbreaks and hardships. Everyones got a sob story; more or less. But from standing wear I am right now, I'm satisfied with my progress.

4 months ago right now at nine thrirty at night I would be thinking of the days events with my boyfriend Kody. I would have been keeping myself awake with everything I did wrong. I've got all these memories to this day that I think of and I instantly start to look down upon myself. At the time everything was great. But now looking back.... I regret it.

But 4 months ago that taught me to think before I do and to stick up for myself.

3 months ago I would have started to get really attatched to this guy. Obsessed. Very obbsessed. (To all my friends who are reading this.... I want to say thank you & I'm  sorry. You guys put up with my fangirling, my exesive talking about him and constant distance from you guys. I appologize.... I was so love struck...)

3 months ago I learned that sisters before Mr.'s.

2 months ago would have been when he moved. My self confidence was 0. At this point I would have been crying myself to sleep because he cheated on me. I would have been checking to see if I bled through my bandages on my hips. At this point I would have been a broke mess. I was the perfect definition of 'A line of cuts on her hips and a smile on her lips'.

2 months ago that taught me that sometimes your just alone, but also that sometimes you don't even realize how great of an actress you are and need to reach out for help.

1 month ago I would have been craving to cut. Trying so hard to distact myself so my head would just quit the buzzing that was keeping me awake.

1 month ago that taught me strength and self worth.

Now I lay here 4 months later blaring music through my headphones, a bit wizer, happier and  stronger. A line of 100+ scars line by hips and a mind full of 100+ regrets and doubts. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I live by 2 things: Forget how the hardships hurt you, just remember what it taught you & Everthing happens for a reason. 100% true or not?

On that 2 month when I was interinally dead I realized somthing. I hated my body. I hated my weight. I hated my stomach, legs, arms, face, butt and everything else. I would hate to look in the mirror because all I would see was fat. But over that month I realized that my mirror was my bestfriend. My mirror was no longer a scale on how much weight I had to loose or how pretty I was. It was a sign of life. My mirror could tell me what I felt like on the outside; but nobody could define the inside. A mirror showed me the life in my eyes. A mirror showed me a refection of my past. It was an eye opener for me.

I am still skipping meals daily, and I still let things get to me. And to be completly honust I've thought about ending it all recently. But how I see it. The main chartictar in my life has dug herself a hold 20 feet deep & 3 feet wide. She's in way over her head and at times the walls cave in but slowly if she has the right friends at the top of hope on solid ground; they will help and pull her out rather than throw dirt in the hole and barry her alive in it.

Right now- My main character is trying to find a way out of her 20 foot hole <3

Thanks guys <3 I love you all.

_StayStong_&_LiveLong_XOXO_arika

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