December 10th 2012..That's obviously the date today. Its been exactly five months since my mother and father decided to bring me to Queens Depression Centre, being here was meant to make me feel some what better? In fact, I don't..after five months I still feel depressed. Even if you think you don't go through it, you do. I mean, everyone has moments where they feel lonely even though they have everything around them? I know I do, but mine are constant, none stop..and why? The answer is, I don't know why I feel the way I do. There has never been a source, im just unhappy with life..actually rather bored.
Im seventeen years old, never had a proper boyfriend, never kissed a boy, never had sex. Ive never lived a normal teenage life, ive never been out drinking with 'my girls'. Ive never called someone my best friend before, I hate socialising. Im shit at it and well it sucks, I cant do normal things, normal teenagers do..i suppose im just socially awkward, I cant even have a 5 minute conversation with my younger sister without feeling the need to curl into a ball and cry.
So I ask my self What is Depression? That's the only question I ever seem to ask myself, that's the only question that matters to me, what is it? Why do I have it? And more importantly how do I deal with it?
Summer of 2012, I was put into the butterfly ward. I don't know why this ward, but yes the butterfly ward.
"You must be Mrs Carter" A young female questions my mother.
"Yes, and this is my daughter, Carly." Carly Carter that's me, the girl who's going to be living with a bunch of depressed kids like myself, so we can all sob over why were so depressed.
"Hello Carly, my names Lauren." She smiles sweetly, I hate these people. You know you get those people who put on fake smiles because there wage is good. Lauren is one of these people. "If you both would like to follow me, I will show you where Carly will be staying."
I follow both my mom and Lauren down the wards, passing critically ill people, more ill people and never ending wards of ill people. I look up and watch as we pass the Butterfly Ward, this is where im staying. Its peaceful, too peaceful to be honest. The silence will drive me insane, I know it will.
"Ah here we go, room 436" The door is pink, I repeat pink. A awful colour pink, its not bright..yet no where near candyfloss pink. I open the door and step into the room, a hospital. That's the only way to remind myself what this room looks like an hospital room. "This is your room, you can obviously do whatever you like to it, stick posters up, paint, furnish the room." Lauren smiles.
"Thank you, " My mother politely says. I pull the blinds up and look ahead at the view. The cars drive past, the sun setting, the skies foggy, the air cool. "So, what do you think of the place?" We haven't really looked around my new home..can I even call it home?
"Its okay" Okay was the best possible word I could use, not correct but the best word. Shit, that's the correct word.
"Are you excited?..just think of all the friends you'll make." Excited?, Im ecstatic, I cant wait to meet everyone and get on with every single person. Im clearly being sarcastic, of course im not fucking excited. Im being left with total strangers, who are here to help me get better?, clearly my mom needs to get to a psychiatric ward because this is her stupid idea.
"Yes mom, im excited" I half smile, I honestly cant wait to say I told you so, when after a year of this bullshit im exactly the same person I was before I came here.
"Your father and sister are on their way up here now, bringing your things from home..we'll spend the rest of the afternoon, doing the place up abit..then come back Thursday and fix it up abit more." Does she think im moving out or something? Isnt she going to grieve at the fact im leaving home, I thought that's what all mothers did? Grieve when their eldest decides to move out and move on with their brilliant life.
