Today has to have been the longest, loneliest day of my life. The anxiety had taken over me and by the time we'd got to the hospital id already thought about taking my life multiple times, jumping out the car or just causing the car to crash.
Although I thought about slitting my wrists, the meeting with Mr Payne was long and pointless. My mother still forbids me in going back to the ward, but with the debt they are in here I am staring up at the ceiling. Mr Payne insisted on I come back, even if its for a few weeks, just to see If I can make progress with the therapy. Part of me thinks I should just stick to the therapy to get better and get the hell out of here, but I don't want that. I want to stay, make things right and try to finally see sense in whats happened the past few days.
Harry was there yesterday, he was. I know he was, he told me he loved me and he held me tight to his chest. I bring my phone off the desk and press call on his ID. I know I wont get an answer but it wont stop me trying.
I sit up, the females voice becoming an daily thing I hear. I step into my slippers, walking over to the door and closing it quietly. From now on I have to be back in my room for 10.30pm, its just turned 11.00pm and here I am finding my way through the dark hallways and heading to his door. The door is cold as I bring my knuckles to make the quietest possible noise I can. I haven't spoken to Zayn, nor Alice I don't blame them for not making any effort at all. I basically chose Harry over him, and well I kept things from Alice when she had the right to know.
Again I knock on the door, getting more impatient as well as my anxiety beginning to kick in. I place my hand on the knob, turning it and slowly adding pressure into opening the door. Its dark, cold and the ora of the room screams loneliness. I close the door behind me, tip toeing across to the bed. I stay as silent as I can, concentrating on the light breathing I don't hear. He's not here is he, he's still with Louis and Eleanor. I push my fingers onto the soft fabric, pulling back the sheets of his bed and climbing into it. I pull the cover's back up over my cold body, nuzzling my head into his scented pillow. It smells of him, the strong scent of his aftershave fills my nostrils, something ive missed.
I find my eyes becoming heavy and my breathing becoming slow.
"You cant tell her." Im slightly woken up by the voices that fill the quiet room, my mothers voice infact. "Plea-se, she would never talk to me again." She begs, I open my eyes the surroundings are much different. I stare out the same window I was at the first time I walked into this room, im in my own room. I push back the covers sitting up in my bed, slowly facing my parents.
"I hav-"
"Have to what?" I but in, my mothers face becomes pale and my fathers grip loosens on her arm. "What cant you tell me dad." I walk towards them, looking directly at the guilt that has spread across their faces.
"Not now" My mother whispers, her voice is unrecognizable. I begin to look at my father, more anger than guilt screams from his stern features as he stares back at my mother.
"Har-ry, he was there that night." He pulls his gaze from my teary mother to look at me, my motuh becomes dry and I can feel all my weight beginning to come too heavy for my legs. "He loves you, he said he loved you, you remember that don't you?" If I don't sit down, my legs will collapse. Im quick to move to the bed, sitting down on the edge. My father bends down in front of me, I slowly nod.
"Well, when you decided not to come with us." He gulps, "Your mother kicked off, she kicked both Harry and that other guy Za-yn out of the room, she thought that maybe without their influence on you, you'd listen to us and that would be it." He rubs my leg, I don't know where he's going with this and im not ready to find out.
"When you started to find your feet and kick off your mother lashed out at you." I look back at my mother, her face has crinkled and the tears have started to pour from her eyes. "I couldn't hold her back, Harry had heard the screams and brought Mr Payne to pull her off you. You'd past out at this point, Lauren had tried to bring you around with a few jabs, but you were gone." He shakes his head.
"I-" I have no words, never would I have thought my own mother would have lashed out at me, causing her own daughter harm.
"That's why your having dreams, trying to fix up the pieces about what happened." I look back at him. "Your mother didn't want you to find out that Harry is back, he's just keeping away from you." I shake my head. "He's here, in the hospital I want you to give it a few days, you need to get back on your feet, process this all." I do need to, but I need Harry more. This all seems a slight joke, and at one point im going to be back at square one, it doesn't add up. None of this bullshit does.
"Will you say something" My fathers harsh tone brings my mother back to reality. "This is your doing and you haven't once tried to explain yourself." He walks over to her, shaking her body out of her gaze.
"I-im sorry" She cries, ive never seen my mother look so vulnerable, she's always been the one to keep the family together. The rock of this family and she's crushed, utterly useless. "I-I cant"
"Its okay" I finally sigh, both of my parents faces are priceless, almost amusing. I don't know whether I find the fact that my mother's face screams out that ive forgiven her when I haven't or my fathers anger slowly beginning to bubble up again. "I-I just need some time alone." If they leave me alone, im liable into hurting myself, or finding Harry.
"I don't think that's for the best, we need to sort this out." My father walks towards me, "I understand you need time, but right now this needs to be dealt with." I don't agree with him at all, I need time alone.
"Id rather not, I think that you've told enough bullshit for today." I stare back at my mother. "I just cant understand why" I wait for her to look back at me. "After all im meant to be getting better, for the both of you right? And now this, couldn't you have just dealt with the divorce by yourselves? Yes I understand I have the right to know, but to blame me?"
Neither of them open their mouths, im surprised they have nothing to say. "I don't understand how im meant to get better when neither of you are helping me" I sigh, this is what I was afraid of. My problems causing bigger problems, that cause my parents to have no interest in my well being. Im the only one to blame for this mess and its eating me alive.
"Were trying to" My father sighs, "Were trying to keep you and Caitlin happy and nothing seems to be working." Never in my life have I seen my father on the urge of crying, but now there is no holding it back.
"Look, Caitlin send her to Grandma Carter and sort the both of you out." Im trying my best to be the 'grown up' out of all three of us now, my mother is useless and my father looks exhausted. "Your either getting a divorce or going to work things out, I know ive messed up this family, but there's still time to work things out." I stay looking at both my parents, flickering through their facial expressions. They're both unreadable, both unsure of what they want. That scares me, ive grown up with both my parents, been through this shit with both my parents. Its the norm for me, that's how I see myself, marrying one guy and being with him for the rest of my life.
"I don't know, its not only up to me." My father looks over to my mother, her eyes brimming with tears.
"I-I cant" She whimpers, my father looks crushed and my mother makes her way for the door.
Again, today has been an eventful day. I don't know what to think anymore, about anything. I cant process anything to write down in my journal. But here I find myself stood outside Zayn's door, tempted to run for my life, yet I knock a few times.
He has to answer, I want him to answer. I knock again, only to see nothing through the thin glass. I turn away, slowly walking away from his door. "Ca-rly." A familiar thick voice causes my body to turn around and stare at his features. I walk back towards him, following him into his room. The cool air vanishes as the tension becomes thick.
"Hi-I" I sit down next to him, watching him shift awkwardly around me. "Im so-rry" I try my best to smile, but the tears get the better of me.
"No, im sorry." He shakes his head. "I should have told you where Harry was, I shouldn't have taken you there knowing you'd get in trouble." He sighs, "If I wasn't so in love with you-"
"Wh-at?"
I really am sorry for the confusion, I hope this chapter has kind of cleared it up!? Oh and im sorry for the late reply, ive been so busy! Anyway how is everyone, what are you up to this weekend?! don't forget to vote and comment! x
