(Dean's POV)
I have been having this nightmare lately, it is always the same. The same place, time of day. I am driving down a road, middle of the day. Sun is out, windows down, wind whipping around me. It is just me and Baby, until I drive by a body laying by the road. So of course, I pull over and run up to see if they are ok. I get to them and as I pull them towards me, I stop. It.....it's...Cas, he is covered in blood, a giant hole carved out of his chest. Grace is pouring out of him and dissolving into the ground. He is dieing. I pull him to my chest, hoping to stop it from going anywhere, but he weakly pushes me away. "Cas, what happened?! Why are you like this?" I start to cry and he just rests his hand on my cheek, brushing away the tears.
"It is going to be ok Dean. Don't cry, I don't want you to cry." He whispers and it makes me cry even harder.
"I can't lose you. Cas, don't go, please. I need you, Sam needs you. I love you, please." I begin to shake, I can't believe this is happening.
All he does is stare into my eyes, smiling weakly. "Can I kiss you?" he asks, which makes my smile.
"Never ask me that. Of course." I smile down at him and he places his other hand on the back of my neck, pulling me closer.
Our lips touch, barely brushing and I feel more tears fall. He deepens the kiss,but then I feel him limpen. My eyes shoot open and his head is tilted back, eyes closed. I panic," CAS! No! Baby, don't...go!" I pull his body to me and cry into the crook of his neck. Then I feel his body leave me, and when I open my eyes, I am at a grave. The tombstone says " Castiel Winchester." I fall onto the ground, pulling out grass and clawing at the dirt. "NO! Cas! Come back!" I scream.
Then, I wake up. Crying and coughing and sweating, Sam is usually there, at the side of my bed. Sometimes he is even holding me down, but he always asks me what I was dreaming about, even though I know he already knows. I still make up some dumb story.
Now though, I am starting to have the dream less, so I hope that is a good sign. We have been Crowley's little shadows also, him sending us on wild demon hunts, one after the other. Sam is getting worn thin, and I feel really bad. He is worrying about me and researching all the time and helping me with my nightmares. I just am so done, with all this. I am tired of being sad and depressed all the time. I am not used to actually caring about anyone other than Sam. I want to stop caring, so bad, but I.....I love Cas and he was the light in my life. But now he is gone and it has been....oh I don't know.....ABOUT 5 FREAKING MONTHS SINCE HE LEFT!!! Most of the time, I just think about the last time I saw him and how that was the last memory I will ever have of him. The shock I felt when he stood there in my room, how badly I wanted to hold him and never let go. But, that is never going to happen. "Dean! You there?" Sam half yells beside me and I realize we are in Baby, driving off on another hunt.
"Oh, I'm sorry, what where you saying?" I shake my head and rub my eyes.
Sam just sighs and pats my knee," Nothing man, you should get some sleep." he smiles weakly and I just nod, here goes nothing.
(Sam's POV)
I don't know how much longer I can keep this from. Me not telling him is literally killing him. He isn't eating, he barely sleeps and he just isn't himself. Maybe if I tell him, Cas will be forced back and he will fix Dean. I am going to do it. When he wakes up, I am going to say it.
~*~a couple of hours later~*~
I had to pull over when Dean started thrashing in his sleep. He was crying and yelling and shaking. When i pulled over, I grabbed him by his arm and pulled him across to my chest. He tried to fight back, but I held him down. Once he opened his eyes and fully woke up, he fell limp and just cried against my chest. When that whole episode ended, he went back to the other side of the car and huddled against the window. I don't know if I have the heart to tell him right now. But I have to, for him and Cas. "Hey, are yo ok?" I ask a few minutes after we pulled onto the road again.
Dean just shrugged," I will be fine, I guess," He grumbled and I smirked a bit.
"Dean, I think....I have.....I need to tell you something." I timidly said and he raised a brow then looked over at me.
"Sam....." he said in a warning tone and it sort of made me regret ever even starting this conversation.
"Dean, I....I have been......texting Cas." I say and he freezes, eyes going wide.
"What?" he said barely over a whisper.
"A couple of months ago I got a random text from him and he told me not to tell you. I'm sorry Dean. He never told me why, but....I don't know. I'm so sorry Dean."i blurt out and I see tears fall down his cheeks.
"Pull over.." he says and I look over at him.
"What are yo-" I begin to say but he explodes.
"SAM! PULL OVER RIGHT FUCKING NOW!" He yells and I instantly screetch off the road.
There was a forest right next to us and Dean got out, running straight into it. A pit formed in my stomach and my heart raced. What have I done?
(Dean's POV)
My head is clouded. I don't know where I am going, but I need to get away. My heart racing, I sprint between trees until I can no longer stand. I then fall onto the forest floor, gasping for air. It feels like my lungs are caving in on themselves. My throat burns and my eyes sting. No tears come out, just burning. My body feels like it is on fire. I want to sleep, so badly, but I don't want to fall into the repeating dream. I am done, I am tired, I want to sleep. My mind is racing, thoughts about everything buzz around me. About what Sam just said, memories of Cas and I when we where happy, about all the ones we've lost. I can't stop the constant nagging, push for me to sleep. It feels like weighs are pulling my eyelids down. Sleep seems so beautiful, but deceiving. A beautiful lie. But, I cannot fight anymore. I am too tired, I give in. My eyes close and I let her take me.
