-the butterfly chronicles pt.1

t h i r t e e n

A head full of fears has no space for dreams.

-
Days have passed where nothing seemed to change. The same routine continuously repeated every day.

Wake up. School. Harm. Eat. Repeat.

The same routine I have done everyday. If hurt less everytime I got a new battle scar ,but the only reason for that is im used to it. Used to pain that hurts as a cut goes to deep or those harsh words thrown at me from people at school. He didn't make it any better for me.

All the looks he would give me . Reminding me that I'm just a person who was worthless to this world . A daily reminder to me from him was that one memory I never want to remember ever.

This had seemed to be my daily life for the past few weeks ,but I'm starting to realise I'm gutting the Ragslade ' s family more than I intended.  I mostly try to keep happy around them but nkw it's just turning to dreadful sorrow I can't escape.

Right now in this exact moment all I can do is contemplate about if I should speak to them or not. It could possibly bring them joy or worse, anger that I have not spoken to them ever in a very long time.

All I can do now is hope whatever I choose doesn't make life anymore worse than it is.

Checking the time it read 18:30 ,meaning that it was time for dinner. Rushing down the stairs I saw all of them sitting down at the dinner table and all I could was just give  them a head nod. Everyone seemed to be speaking cheerfully about how their day was or even little jokes that didn't make sense and I possibly could have made it worse in this exact moment.

"Hey  Karoline , How was dance practice today for you?" I spoke in a soft voice.

Just like taht I knew I had messed up as no sound was emitted from anyone. Everyone had stopped talking and even eating. All the stares looked at me in shock . And I suppose that shock was something terrible as for a couple of minutes nothing had happened. In that moment that is when I knew I messed it up worse than it was already.  All I could do was just continue eating.

That's the feeling I would get everyday anyway. The feeling of being alienated amongst the people who supposedly care about you. It's strange to think I thought they would be the family I would start to trust and feel loved from . Regardless of that I shouldn't have had my hopes up that high. 

Finishing my dinner , I stood up to go put my dishes away when I got a very tight hug from Karoline. Following with Mr and Mrs Ragslade. Only Lord knows what caused me cry in that moment ,but I did.

I wasn't only crying about the situation but I was crying about everything in life that went from good to bad in a second. All the pain caused by people I could've trusted but only resulted in a broken promise. The so called family I could love and cherish left regardless of my situation.

And I even realised something.

I am the cause of this pain.

While I was crying Karoline starred singing a song. A song that was consoling but made the hurting worse.

Mercy -Shawn Mendes

Mmmh Mmmhhhh Mmmhh
You've got as hold on me
Don't even know your power
I stand a hundred feet
But I fall when I'm around you

Show me an open door
Then you go and slam it on
me
I can't take anymore
I'm saying baby...

Please have mercy on me
Take it easy on my heart
Even though you don't mean
to hurt me
You keep tearing me apart
Would please have
mercy...
Mercy on my heart?
Would you please have
mercy...
Mercy on my heart?

I'd drive through the night
Just to be near you,baby
Heart old and testified
Tell me that I'm not crazy

I'm not asking for asking lot
Just that you're honest with
me
My pride is all I got
I'm saying,baby...

Please have mercy on me
Take it easy on my heart
Even though you don't mean
to hurt me
You keep tearing me apart
Would you please have mercy
On me?
I'm a puppet on your string

And even though you got
good intentions
I need you to set me free
Would you please have
mercy...
Mercy on my heart?
Would you please have
mercy...
Mercy on my heart?

Consuming all the air inside
my lungs
Ripping all the skin from my
bones
I'm prepared to sacrifice my
life
I would gladly do it twice

Consuming all the airier inside
my lungs
Ripping all the skin from off
my bones
I'm prepared to sacrifice my
life
I would gladly do it twice

Oh,please have mercy on me
Take it easy on my heart
Even though you don't mean
to hurt me
You keep tearing me apart
Would you please have mercy
on me?

I'm a puppet on your string
And even though you got
good intentions
I need you to set me free

I'm begging you for mercy,
mercy
Begging you ,begging you,
please , baby
I'm begging you for mercy,
mercy
Ooh,I'm begging you, I'm
begging you ,yeah
Mmmhh...Mmhhh. ..Mmhh

After Karoline had sung , all I could do as cry even more. With every second that passed it seemed to hurt me more. I screamed out from all the pain I had held in and all it seemed to do was get worse. I couldn't stop crying . All I could do was sob loudly and shake with every cry let out. It didn't change the fact of this was now my reality I had to do live in with these people.

Crying was my only relief from pain that was not even numb but stung with every cry.

And all I could do is breakdown.

-
Hey,
This chapter probably sucked , I dunno but I hope it was good enough for you guys💖

Vote and comment if you please 🌼

xxLisobear