-the butterfly chronicles pt.1

s e v e n t e e n

Insert a quote that actually makes fucking sense.

-

I tried.
I cried.
I died a little inside again.

Its not that im not trying to be happy and pulling through all that's bringing me down. But its the fact that no one understands and it just hits me worse than it already did the first time.
 I swear, they try every single time to tell me its just a phase it will pass eventually ,but they don't understand.

They never do as its just something that will always pass. Its a sense of positivity that you just gotta get in life then you will see the brighter side of life and that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel that is simply offering you a pathway out of this ditch in life that will soon pass.I dont know how many times i heard that in life from people i used to call close friends to be completely honest. 

There are many things that make me want to end it all in just an instant,but i am just simply never ready to let go just yet. Though the one solution i have left is to embrace the little things that bring somewhat happiness till im content enough to say goodbye.

_

All i wanted for her was to be happy. Such a tough yet cliche thing but genuinely all i wanted for her was to be happy.To be able to see her smile that makes my mood brighter and for her to not give up. Yet,i should be thankful for even being able to be by her everyday reassuring her it will be okay regardless of everything.

Hope.

Thats her name. The girl who might have been distant at first ,seemed to still creep her way into my heart. Though that day a certain person revealed she liked me,it only made my heart beat faster for her and cherish her more than anything. Beneath all that pain and suffering she is still a wonderful person that can fight through anything.

Recently she has been able to voice her thoughts in a way that will hopefully lead to a better day . Though deep down I know it's because everyone has this expectation of her to stop her 'so called ' act and just be better like she used to.

Many assume she will always have this smile or stay in the shadows like she used to . But ,they don't even know she is trying . Trying her ultimate best to even be here and please those who even bother with her .

Surely , I do miss her smile . The bright and broad one she used to give around her closest friends which I guess I can say are acquaintances. Now all I can be grateful for is just that faint small smile I would get on a daily even though you can see it's filled with determination to try stay up , it still ends up crumbling down like everything else.

I wish I could try hard enough for her to be happier and realise somehow it will be okay .

But I'm not her after all.

I can only be a pillar of Hope left behind for her .

-
I wish everyone would stop . Just stop with all of their rubbish . That rubbish of stares ,glares , whispers ,rumours and even just their pity.

I don't need it at all to be honest. I ahve just been doing what I wish I would do best . Just finishing thus last year of high school and giving a somewhat smile when needed to .

I don't need these therapy given out to me. It only seems to make me get worse in my opinion. Only given the skills to handle than rather how to deal with it all. To deal with this self hate and self harm no one still knows about. It's a waste of breathe and time for me. All that time I could've used to figure out if it's worth it anymore.

Yet , here I am skipping once again . Sitting outside on the schools bleachers looking out the field. Contemplating what I should even do anymore.

"Hey" a voice said behind me sounding timid.

My first reaction would've been to scream ,but all I did was flinch and look back to see who it was who decided to break my train of thoughts.

And best believe it was just that one person I wish I had not seen ever again. Him. The ex friend who seemed to say our own friendship was whatever . Standing right in front of me like everything will be alright.  The one and only Jason.

"I know you don't want me by you at all after that year and everything. But the only reason why I came here looking for yiu is because I wanted to say I'm sorry. No sorry is overrated so let me say I apologise . I apologize for saying our friendship was whatever even if we know it wasn't. I know I messed up but I can only hope my apology at least makes you forgive me a tiny bit." He said , while taking small steps to me.

Honestly. I can't even believe this right now. After years and years of trying to forget everything about my past he just comes again to bring it all again. Even if he apologized , I can't believe that's all he thinks was wrong.

But thinking about it ,no one realises all the mistakes they had done.  The only inner peace I can get is just to forgive them. And move on with everything else.
Just to make then happy while I get my own happiness after.

I think I know what has to change for me to be happier .
Even if it begins with me speaking .

"Look. I forgive you. You didn't have to move all the way here hist to do that. Thank you for even bothering to apologise to me and being meaningful about it at least. This is a great break through. A great one and one day you see going to realise why.  But thank you. I know it's not much though I hope you know you did something good. And you can keep on being a better person from now on. Carry on being you. The world needs okay." I said with a trembling voice.

The only thing I could do now was walk away back flowing with the breeze . Hoping it all works out eventually.

-
Hey

I guess I finally had the motivation to finish this book . I know it's ultimately the worst ,but I hope whoever still sees the update and reads it are at least fine with the crappy chapter .
This will be the second last chapter since it is a short story .

Thanks for all the reads and votes regardless .

Xoxo Lisobear