-the butterfly chronicles pt.1

f i v e

Why do pretty faces always happen to be bad people?..

Day after day , we would pass each other but no words were spoken.
Like we were muted all of a sudden . Loss of words in a simple stare at each other that expressed the need of response from the victim being stared at.

Every time he passed by I just wanted to say:
'Hey, I'm sorry for what happened' or even just ,' I freaking like you .. can we just talk again please!!'.

But sadly no words were spoken between us. And I was starting to regret my horrendous decision. All just because I didn't want to be hurt. How selfish of me, but what can I say never got attention like this in my life before.

Today was the day I was going to suck it up and speak to him. The day I apologize for my radical mistake. Deciding on dressing in my casual Taylor Caniff merchandise and black vans , I rode to school on my penny board.
Approaching the hell hole , I picked up my board and headed for my locker. On the way to my locker ,I saw my best friend Lynn, socialising with the one and only Amber. Witnessing that action baffled me to an extent where I didn't realise Lynn was even approaching me.

" Hey Hope. " She said in a mocking tone.
"Hey Lynn, what's up?" I replied unsurely.
"Well I just spoke to my new bestie Amber and I never knew you were such a bitch really." She sussed.
"And why may I be one. Huh? I have known you for the longest time ,but why would you all of a sudden not believe me. I trusted you. And you promised." I spoke in a small , wavering voice.
"Clearly you made a mistake trusting me because I was just using you to get information for Amber. And clearly you're just that blind and dumb not to see that." She scoffed.

In that exact moment. I broke down. My heart slowly clenching together as if it was being compressed by something. And that something was hurt and pain. Things I was hoping to never feel again ,but apparently that was never happening again. I was stuck in the moment. Tears streaming down my face. Staring back at the eyes of someone I thought I knew. Feeling like I had been stabbed a billion times in my heart. Her face with a wicked grin and I suppose an evil laugh being suppressed.

"Attention everybody!" She screamed loud enough for the students in the hallway to hear and stop their movements.

"Hope Rivers here. Is a self - centered little bitch that is naïve. She likes Theo Montana . Who she has no absolute chance with anyway ,but back to the fact that she calls you all peasants. And says you guys all are like lost puppies following poor Amber over here. Just wanted for all of ya'll to know . Thank you and you may proceed whatever you were doing." She ended her little speech with a fake sad face.

Gasps , whispers and death glares were all directed to me in that moment. I felt smaller and smaller by the second. Wanting to be invisible like always . Wishing to have never trusted anyone ever in my life. Attempting to escape the looks and voices I turned around to leave the school. But the one person I wanted to speak to forever was behind me. Blankly staring at me. His eyes having a lot of emotion in them.
Hate,anger,sadness and confusion.

In that simple moment. I felt like I had lost the most important person in my life. Wanting to say it's not true . And telling him it's all a lie, seemed useless at the time being. No words could come out of my mouth like they wanted to,but there was simply none.

Trying to side step him, I was gently turned back to look at him.
"Is that all true?" His angelic voice asked hurt.
"Um. Well you see-"
"Don't give me a story just a simple yes or no answer."
"Yes." I whispered. But it had seemed like he had heard because his face looked very stunned and pissed off.

That look. That one look from someone who I started to like. Accept I have feeling for broke my heart even more. Shrugging off his hand , I began to sprint out of the school . Running to nowhere that is non existent. Counting how long it would take me to reach my destination that could terminate my existence.

The cold handle of the bridge that could pin point my last moment of existence. Counting down slowly till I would jump over the railing and feel nothing. The numbness is what I needed.

To numb the pain I was feeling right now. Wanting to just stop it from spreading. Just for it to be gone. I was going to do it. I was going to be happy wherever I went after oblivion. I was going to escape this existential crisis I was experiencing. It was going to all end then and now.

1.

"I'm sorry mom."

2.

"I'm sorry God."

3.

"I'm sorry to everyone I have hurt and insulted in any way."

4.

"I'm sorry for even existing. "

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

"I guess this is it then"

10.

"Goodbye cruel world."

With that being said I hate jumped into the cold current of water flowing to God knows where.

My lungs were burning for me to let oxygen in. Instead I was letting water in. Letting it engulf my lungs in a cold embrace.

My brain telling me to swim, knowing I can do it. To swim upwards to the light. Ignoring that thought I just swam downwards . Deeper into the darkness not the light that I never wanted.

Was I really making the right choice committing suicide?

Am I doing this over some stupid high school reputation?

Thoughts were running through my chaotic mind at that exact moment in as slowly losing conscious.

I will be alright. I have finally done it. No one will care. Nor will they notice. You will be happy in your own little paradise.

Finally ,listening to that puny voice in my head . I had just let go.

Slowly closing my eyes. Memories of how I used to be happy flashed between my eyes like my life was ending.
But that was exactly what was meant to happen.
A small white light slowly empowering my vision numbed my pain.

I felt numb . And I'm glad that is my last feeling before I was gone.

Before my existence was depleted.

In that moment I knew.

I was free.

-----

Hey :)

Thanks for reading this chapter.
And sorry for not updating in such a long time. Had tests to do.

Thanks again for reading.
Like and comment whatever you want and I will be sure to reply :)

Oh and don't forget to comment your books below 💚

xxLiso :)

-John Green , Paper Towns.📗♥