-the butterfly chronicles pt.1

f i f t e e n

Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed you the first time.

-
Every week seemed to be the same story or type of routine. Fridays were the worst as I would go to a therapist. Forcing me to speak regardless of me not wanting to. I gave the same response every week that I was fine ,but deep I knew he knew I wasn't.  By he I mean my therapist ,Mr. Whitaker. 

He wasn't that bad honestly.  He reminded me of my brother ,but who actually tried to check on me. It's quite strange he is a therapist at age 22 when he could be enjoying  life. But instead of him asking me the same mandatory questions he tells me about stories that are true and false sometimes.

But here I am visiting him again for the second time this week. Mr. Ragslade  had called in for another important session because of what happened.  Someone leaving me once again. And this time it was someone I was beginning to trust fully again.  Unlike the others who I couldn't fully trust which isn't possible but it is what it is.

Now here I am sitting here facing him once again.

"So,Hope. I have no clue to why Mr.Ragslade had called to make an emergency session. Would you like to tell me or write what had happened? " He asked om a sift tone.

All I could was stare at him fir a while. Biting back the tears that were threatening to spill once again.

"She left." I managed to whisper out.

"Who left?"

From then on I didn't even bother to speak . I just kept quiet for a solid 20 minutes. Which would mean the session would in five minutes.

"Hope, I need you to understand that just because you are quiet right now does not mean you will leave this room without consulting with me. Luckily I'm free for the rest of the day, starting from now . So I suppose is could wait all day for you." He softly said.

All I did was stare back once again. What he had said was very accurate but I just refused to be honest about what had happened. It keeps on happening and I am up to be the point where I could've prevented it from hurting yet it ting more thinking about it.

"She left" I whispered again.

"Who left? "

"She left just like all of them. It's not that she had a choice ,but it hurts. It sucks that I was actually accepting the fact that she was more of a close friend than anything else. I feel angry and disappointed in myself that I didn't get to see her off at the airport. I'm angry at those time I turned down her requests of meeting up because I was caged in." I said breathlessly.

"I'm angry and mad that I never made myself memorable enough towards her that she will ever remember me later on. I know I was tough but in the end she knew I cared and that's all that matters. I will always be replaced and it's fine but it's not. I guess I'm just replaceable."

"Listen , Hope. I know who you may be talking about but yiu cannot put a label on yourself like that alright. I know this isn't a good time ,but it's best to tell me everything from this point on." He said calmly.

"Well. You are in for a bore then. Since its your request. It's only a couple of words. Trust. Assumptions. Honesty. Reason." I stated with a monotone voice.

"And what may those words mean to you?"

"Trust. I put faith in others to get the absolute opposite back. Assumptions. I know I have made a lot yet I clarify and apologise if I bad made a mistake on it at least. Yet a lot can be made about me regardless of everything. Honesty.  This one is a huge one. I put up a front that it doesn't hurt when I read what people can say behind my back but in reality it hurts more than they intended to. And lastly is reason because behind all of this , I'm the cause of it all as I will never be that perfect person. I never have been but I try to please those around me rather than trying to be happy.  And that's what I lack happiness."

Realising this is what he wanted me to do. All I  could do was simply process it. This is one of the first time I had ever truly spoken my true emotions to someone in a very long time. All those words and thoughts I had trapped up had finally been expressed.

Yet it didn't feel so good telling someone because it would be the situation of the fake sympathy everytime. The expectation to continuously be honest to myself rather than lie about who I really am.

"Hope. I would say a lot ,but I'm very proud of you for expressing how you feel. Regardless of me using reverse psychology on you. Yet , it isn't that wrong either but doesn't Theo give you a spark of happiness? " He said curiously.

"Yes. He may . That is a different story because not everyone can fix the broken . Neither can you. So I suggest we just drop this and let me go home. A home that isn't even mine." I stated back harshly.

"If that is what you want. That iss what you will get." He called back softly.

Then there's the pity back again. That trick again. Using a soft tone as if I'm fragile. What's funny is that I'm already broken and shattered into as million pieces therefore it's quite pointless. Yet I'm still going back to the house I have to live in .

A house isn't as home without a family.

And a family is something I don't have.

-

Hi,

Thanks for at least making it to the end of this chapter regardless of if you may or may not have liked it.

I know my chapters aren't the best best for me , I'm not sure are bout you guys. But life's tough and I'm just going through some stuff but I couldn't help but update for those who still read this book because it would be unfair to you amazing readers.

I also want to thank you guys for the 600+ reads !!! I don't know where I would be without your guy's reads and votes.

Honestly you guys are my motivation and It sucks the book is coming to an end soon ,but I hope you still like the book.

That's it for now but be you because no one can be you like yourself 🍃🌼

xxLisobear