-the butterfly chronicles pt.1

s i x t e e n

"I'm fine,I'm just not happy."

-
Sometimes things are just meant to happen for the sake of a better future. Nothing could necessarily change the past but to only look forward for a future that could hold happiness or more pain. Every simple "Hello" or "Goodbye" could impact someone's life or maybe simply make everything worse.

Every faded memory that I tried to force myself to forget seemed to be left on replay in my mind. Like a huge scar that's embedded on my mind. Straining every single thing I could do. Struggling to breathe because it suffocates me. Crying myself to sleep with no sound emitted from my mouth thinking it might interupt someone.

Seeking for reassurance that at the end of the tunnel there's light . A light directed for a better life and unlimited happiness. Yet I have been there ,but I seem to still wake up in the same environment everyday.  Same routine. Nothing new to change the unbroken cycle.

Sleep.

A rest filled with nightmares that turns out to be a heartbreaking reality.

Eat.

Food that I have to endure but only making me sick to my stomach. Substances that dill me up making me realise that I'm getting fat and I need to stop.

School.

A place where I have to endure the difficulty of not being able to even breathe without being stared at as a freak or looks of sympathy.

"Home"

Where I'm given second hand love I couldn't get in the first place.

Repeat.

But then there is always that little faith given to me by a special someone who regardless of my imperfections still stood by me trying to remind me that I'm loved even through the pain that I have been through.

That person is like a guardian angel or almost like a firefighter , kicking down walls trying to rescue me from the fire that is slowly suffocating me. Maybe just maybe that person was someone who could potentially be my escape from everything that's slowly killing me .

Though I hope they don't disappoint me.

-
There she was.

Walking down the hallway with a blank look yet in her eyes she looked broken. A simple outfit consisting of an oversized  black hoodie with what seemed to be wings at the back of it , black jeans and black vans. Almost as if she was trying to make a statement that had a deeper meaning than intended.

I wondered why the look of panic and pain would always appear on her face whenever she saw me. Till I realised I was also a reason for her misery. I may have been part of her past ,but I want to make amends to be a part if her present. Possibly in the future if everything doesn't take a wrong turn in life.

I hate the fact she is now scared of me. I hate how my actions had led for her to be afraid of me but mostly hurt. I wish I could go back and take all back those words that seem to haunt me to the point where it led me to move just to be by her.

If I didn't try so hard to fit in and have my own reputation,  I think this situation would have not occurred in a billion years. Though this reputation I built is just a front that everyone seems to prefer regardless of what they heard about me. Yet here I am still doing the same thing.

The mistakes I made some would look at me with disgust while others just didn't care enough , so they just turned their backs against me. Yet one person that stayed behind all the time was her. Always forgiving me for those things that I had done wrong but also guilt tripped her into apologising for things she never done but using her for my advantage that she will always come back running to me when she needed a shoulder to cry on .

Some mistakes shouldn't be taken for granted. Some are just silly but regardless it's what you had done that caused that mistake. I hate admitting to it even till this day ,but I may have been the reason of some people's downfalls which I regret but what happened has already happened.

Yet , There she was.

Walking down the halls without a smile I used to be familiar with. Now its only just a blank stare filled with no emotion. Staring back at everyone who looked at her, whispering as she walked by.

At first no one was by her side then a guy appeared by her giving her a side hug , with eyes that were filled with love and adoration staring at her while she looked down. That guy had a tall yet built body , with a simple laid back haircut ,but would be considered a popular person from just one glance. Even if that was the case he still chose to walk next her. Creating a small conversation that seemed to be going nowhere and seemed pointless since she would barely reply ,but only nod her head a couple of times.

I wish I could do that. I guess I can't anymore because I lost the right to the moment I messed up.
I messed up bad. Didn't speak the truth really ,but I don't think it was worth it anyway. I back lashed on her. A person it knew I could trust but simply through her trust away in a second.

Words I can't take back but only look back on to why I'm such an idiot sometimes. If I could turn back time I would once again if I did I wouldn't be here right now. Possibly never had a chance to see her again.

A chance I already seemingly blew already by one gaze. I chose a status over her like every single time.  Maybe it's my pride I don't know yet I still can't change because I'm afraid if I do I will be nothing town those around me. And all I wanted was to be noticed.

Just like her.

There she was.

Slowly dying from the pain she can't escape.