The Music or the Misery (Book 2)

She Says She's No Good With Words But I'm Worse

                    

Patrick and I sat together, his arms wrapped around me tightly. We sit for so long that I lost track of time. I almost wanted to cry because of how perfect it felt, how right. I suppose I'm beginning to become mad at myself for still feeling confused. It's like the closer I get to him, the crazier things become in my head.

The only thing I'm afraid of, is getting hurt again. I can't guarantee that I'll never feel pain again because of someone else and it terrifies me. Except I think I'd survive getting hurt by anyone else but him. Somehow he's still forbidden to me. I want him but I still can't really have him. Maybe I never will and it's because of my own insecurities. The forbidden fruit appeal might have been alluring to begin with but I'm so done with it. It's like dangling you're wildest dreams in front of you and you're always one step away from reaching them.

When we finally decide to go to our bunks, Patrick doesn't let go of my hand, his grip tighter than ever. I watch as he hesitates, before pulling another piece of paper from his pocket and handing it to me.

"This one was meant to be for tomorrow but I think you should have it now" he says and I take it from him, not even trying to hide how eager I am to read it.

He glances at his feet before flicking his eyes back to mine. Then with a look of longing, pecks my lips and whispers to me.

"Goodnight Sweetheart"

I can feel my own blush as he goes off to get changed. Climbing into my bunk until he's done, I take the opportunity to read the note.

I don't know if I'm over stepping my mark but I'm going to test my luck anyway. Would you do me the honor of letting me take you out... maybe like a date? It doesn't have to be but I'd like to spend time with you, just us. Xx - P

I suppose my immediate response would be, to think about it for a while. Except what I really want to do is find another piece of paper and answer him. I ask myself why not and find myself coming up blank. What's stopping me? Nothing. One of the reasons I'm here is to work out what I want. So maybe this would be a good idea.

I decide to wait until we reach our next destination. In the morning once Patrick is out of his bunk, I do my best to find a pen without much fuss and write a reply.

I'd love to go out with you. Xx - V

I keep it short, on purpose. Then I place the note in his bunk and then act completely casual as I go to get dressed.

Today we're in Colorado Springs at the Broadmoor World arena and despite the moderate weather, I'm feeling a little hot. Patrick keeps glancing at me and the only reason I know this, is because I keep glancing at him. I've been able to shove my sexual desires away recently, focusing only on helping him get through the loss of his mother. It's becoming harder now as his breathtaking smiles have went from rare to frequent.

I may have thought about last night's kiss and nothing else. Maybe I need to stop all of this and think for a second but the walls and barriers are becoming hard to keep up. I don't know what it is about him but he's always been able to get to me. No matter how much my head says I shouldn't trust him, my heart really wants to. 

***

Later that day, Patrick sits next to me as I try my best to follow the instructions he gave. I never knew learning cords would be so hard, especially since he makes it look so seamless. He hasn't said a word in a while but I can feel his gaze on me as I focus. To say I'm becoming frustrated at myself is an understatement.

We've got into a kind of routine. Before the crew starts to set up the stage, Patrick tries diligently to teach me how to play guitar. I'm not expecting immediate results of course but apparently I get really easily annoyed at myself. I'm not sure if it's the guitar that's frustrating me though.