The Music or the Misery (Book 2)

I've Loved Everything About You That Hurts

                    

When Patrick asks me to go on tour with him, my mind automatically defaults to wondering what my father would say. I hate that this is the first thought that I have but trying to comply to his demands for years has made me this way. Underneath that thought, is a burning curiosity. What would it be like to get to spend more time with him? What if there's something between us that could be more, friendship or otherwise. All I know is I want to find out because cutting him from my life again isn't something that I want to do.

Although, I'm still afraid and I don't have the guts to say a word. Especially now.

So, of course my automatic response is:

"I'm supposed to be doing a summer internship at my father's hospital" I state, even feeling like the words don't sit right on my tongue. Right now there are two routes that I have been given. Two choices and one feels right, the other feels wrong.

In seconds, Patrick's small glimmer of hope disappears but he disguises it quickly, nodding.

"Right, of course. I suppose I wasn't really thinking" he mumbles, trying to force a small smile onto his face.

"I'm sorry..." I whisper and he nods again, without saying a word.

"You should still go Patrick, I know it doesn't feel like a good idea right now but I think you'll regret it if you don't" I say, trying to encourage him. Just because I'm bound to have a terrible summer, it doesn't mean that he has to be as well.

Patrick gazes back at me, his eyes showing his uncertainty. I don't blame him for not having a clue what to do next but I hope he makes the right decision for him.

"Just think about it..." I continue and he nods, dropping his gaze to stare at his hands.

"How do you feel about the internship? Are you excited?" He asks, changing the topic and focusing on me. Maybe he's genuinely interested or maybe he can see right through me.

"Excited is too strong a word. It's a good opportunity though" I reply, knowing that I don't really sound convincing. Patrick takes my hand in his, curling his fingers around mine. He keeps his eyes glued to our hands as he speaks.

"I'm sure you'll do well" he mumbles before letting go and retreating to the bathroom. I know he wants to convince me to go with him but he won't do it, knowing that my future is important. I just wish I knew which future I wanted.

***

Riddly calls that night while Patrick is in the shower. I was lying on the couch, contemplating if I'd make the right decision about the tour. My ring tone is the only thing that saved me from going insane in my head.

"How are you Violet? Are you coping okay? I know it wasn't your mom but this whole thing must be hard for you too" she says after quick hello. To be honest, my own feelings aren't my priority right now, so I don't have great answer.

"I'm okay, I just want to help him you know? I don't know if I'm doing the best job" I explain.

"I can assure you that you're helping. He wanted you with him, you know that. He didn't want anyone else but you" she replies and I sigh.

"Yeah, I just wish I could make everything better. I hate seeing him the way he is" I state.

"I bet you are making everything better. You might not know it but if you hadn't gone to him, he'd be in a much worse place. You have to notice the difference you make. Even when you were with him here, I could see how happy you made him"

I take in her words trying to believe them but I suppose I'll always have self-doubt. I know I'm not capable of saving the world but saving him will suffice.