I will Survive

Part 10: Self Discovery

I go straight from the talk with Tobias to the quarters all the initiates are supposed to meet in for stage two. I see some initiates with a cocky grin others with beads of sweat dripping down their foreheads in anxiety. I'm somewhere in the middle of the emotions.

After the sudden news about the possible attack, I forgot to tell Four about Eric. Is it even his business? Maybe, but I dunno. Right now, I just need to focus on dominating this stupid initiation.

I take a seat between Ember and Sam and wait. What for? Well I guess I'm about to find out.

"Attention initiates!" Calls Four to get everyone's attention.

"The first stage of training focus mainly on the physical aspects while the second will focus on the mental aspects." Explains Eric.

"So today," Four interjects, "we're going to be doing a bit of self discovery."

"What if we don't want to discover ourselves?" Matt responds to Four.

"Shut up, Matthew."

We are each called one by one into a room with either Four, Eric, or Tris. I watch as my fellow initiates enter the room and exit minutes later, looking shaken.

Then it's my turn. This feels like the aptitude test all over again.

"Come with me, Liv." Eric says, gesturing for me to follow him into the room. I flick a loose piece of hair out of my eyes, then hop up and enter the room.

Eric close the door behind me and gestures towards a chair.

"Take a seat, Liv." He directs. I do.
"Are you aware of what a fear landscape is?"  Eric asks.

"No," I respond, "but I think Four said something about one once." Eric nods.

"The fear landscape of Fearscape is a combination of your worst fears. Some people have many fears, some don't have many at all, like your brother." Eric explains briefly while fiddling with some computer crap I don't understand. I just nod along.

"You ready?"

Another nod.

He injects the serum into my neck. The quick pinch of the needle is soon replaced by Eric's soothing voice.

"You need to find a tool, Liv, some method to survive. You're smart, I believe in you."

And with that, I fade into darkness.

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The darkness. It's everywhere. I keep waiting for it to dissolve, allowing me to face my fears. Then I realize: this is my fear.

I hate the stupid darkness. It's just so....whole. There's no escape from darkness. When it's light, you can close your eyes and bam, dark. But when it's dark, there's nothing you can do.

My heart pounds in my chest. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to take deep breaths, remembering Eric's words, but his words don't matter here. I can't fight the dark.

Dark. More dark. So much darkness. I feel trapped. The same feeling I used to get when Marcus locked me in that stupid closet. You never know when you'll see the light.

I try to focus on something else. I think of the feeling of relief when I would see the light after a long time in the dark.