I will Survive

Part 12: Alive

Today is the day I take on the Fearscape in front of the entire dauntless community. I've been doing pretty good in the Fearscape, but I've been pretty distracted with.... Well, everything. I decided it would prove useful to practice. That, and I need to get my mind off of Tobias.

I haven't talked to Tobias since that night. It's been about 4 (ha!) days since I've spoken to him, the bruise he gave me still very prominent on my forearm.

I inject myself with the serum and close my eyes, reading to take on my four obstacles.

Everyone thinking that the insults that Marcus said are true. Takes me one minute. Check.

Being burnt alive. One minute. Check.

Darkness. 2 minutes. Not my best, but still. Check.

And my worst fear of all, Marcus. 3 minutes. Check.

I open my eyes and I'm back in the empty room, my heart beating fast. Seven minutes. Not great. I need to practice more.

I go through the Fearscape about 6 times. I emerge from the simulation for the sixth time feeling lightheaded. My heart is beating so fast it might break my rib cage and run away. Not really, but still.

I feel dizzy. Dark spots cloud the edges of my vision. My legs are weak. My head is pounding.

Then everything goes black.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
I wake up on a couch in an apartment. It's not mine;initiates don't get apartments until they've passed initiation. It's very clean for a dauntless apartment. I only know one dauntless who is this tidy. I sit-up to get a better look.

"Tobias." I grumble as I hear footsteps approach from behind me.

"Liv." He responds curtly. I whip my head around to face him. Does he even know what happened. I follow his movements as he sits on the couch next to me.

"Why am I here?" I question him.
"I was going to practice in m fearscape, to see if, you know, he was still in there," I nod, "and I saw you, passed out on the floor, unconscious. So I brought you back here and...yeah." Tobias explains.

"Oh."

There's an awkward silence. I rub the bruise on my forearm, replaying that night in my head. Marcus had it my several times so should be used to it. I know Tobias didn't know what he was doing, but...still.

"Where'd you get that?" Tobias asks, pointing at my bruise. I just stare it him.

"From you."

He looks taken back, shocked.
"What?"

I look at him.
"You seriously don't remember, do you?" He shakes his head no.

"Well I wouldn't expect you to," I mumble, "you were drunk as fuck."

"What hap-" he starts but I cut him off.

"I came to apologize for what I said but I knew something was up the moment I saw you. You were doing stupid stuff to make yourself the center of attention," I stop seeing the expression on his face, "it's okay, I don't think any one was sober enough to remember it."

I sigh and continue.
"Basically you got kissed about something and held my arm so I couldn't leave just," I glance down at my bruise, "just.... a little too tight."

"Oh Liv.... I-uh I'm so sorry, I didn't-i mean, ugh. I'm so so sorry, really! I-uh-"

I cut him off.
"I'm sure you are." I glance over at him to see him staring at the ground.

"I had a dream. Marcus was beating me but...." I look at Tobias, "it wasn't Marcus...." he seems to get that I'm implying it was him. I bite my lip and stare at the ground.

"I had a reason, you know," Tobias starts, "a reason for drinking. I usually don't."

I meet his eyes, waiting for his explanation.

"So-uh you know when mom died, how everyone said she died from complications with another kid?" He says. I nod, remembering that day. Waking up to a house full of somber council members all dressed in gray. Delivering the life changing news.

"I'm not sure if you noticed," Tobias continues, "but, she wasn't pregnant."

I noticed. I remember helping her zip up the back of her dress a night or two before she died. Her pulling me into her embrace, cuddled up next to her flat stomach. I had always had my doubts about the story, but I had never let myself think about it for long.

"Well, she didn't die from child birth. She actually didn't die.... at all."

I stop. I stare. I blink. I breath. That's about it. My mother is alive. I don't even know what to do with myself.

"Oh god..." I mutter, letting out a shaky breath.
"Yeah, I know. It's a lot to take in. I was drinking cause I was stressed. I know it's not an excuse-"
"Tobias, its fine. Just... I need to go."

I stand up from the couch and stand still, my legs are shaky. I can't believe it. My mother, the one who died, didn't actually..... die. I wanna scream. I wanna cry. But I won't. I haven't cried since her funeral. Her funeral. A funeral for someone who isn't even dead.

"Why did she leave?" I ask, not making eye contact.

"To get away from Marcus. Same reason we left." He says. I scoff.

"By she left us. Did she even think what her leaving would cause? Did she ever consider taking us with her?" I sputter out, a million questions running through my head.

"I asked. She left to join the factionless, she didn't think it would be a good environment for us to grow up in." He explains.

"Oh, and an abusive household was?" I retort, my voice raised. Tobias gets up from his seat and pulls my into his chest. I breath in his scent. The scent of safety and comfort. I sigh.

"I know your upset or confused or what ever. I wasn't going to tell you because I didn't want to throw off your concentration on the final test for initiation tonight." Tobias says. I nod.

"Don't worry, I'm fine." I say.
"No your really not, but I'll let it go." He says. I playfully shove him.

"Good luck tonight, you'll do great." Tobias reassures. I roll my eyes in response.

"I'm serious, Liv. You're a freakin badass. I have no doubts."

"Whatever, later loser." I say with a smile.

"See ya, dork." Tobias says with a smile matching my own. With that, I walk out the door and begin my way to the final test of initiation.

I hope I don't fluff this up.

Hey guys! I know I don't usually do author's notes at the end of chapters but I just recently came out to my family as bisexual and it didn't go so well so I would really appreciate support on this chapter and all my other chapters in general. Thanks for reading so much-love ya! <3