Saving Grace

This Is It

 (If you can, play the song on the side when you see the arrows. It fits this perfectly.)

Cali

Time moved in slow motion while passing like I had never even existed. Somewhere in my mind, I knew it'd been three days since my family had come, ruined my world, and then left. And it'd been two days since I let myself see Preston, Dale, Sam or even Jay.

During the day, I kept myself busy with chores around the fields, mainly planting new grass seed or bringing horses to and from pastures. When I would see someone else, I'd subtly turn around and sprint in the other direction.

I felt guilty. That was the driving force behind all my actions. I was given the room above the barn for as long as I needed, Dale had said. My car was fixed within a week. But now as I looked back, I realized I'd been here for almost six months. Almost half of a year had gone by and I've done nothing with my life.

I know I've fallen in love with a great guy, and that definitely counts as doing something with my life. But no matter how many times anyone around me tried to convince me, I saw the obvious truth. One day, my insanity and insecurities would just become too much and I'd crack. And I knew I couldn't put anyone, not matter how much they loved me, through what I knew was impending.

Yesterday I had made a decision. I was packing up and leaving. It was what in the end would be best for everyone my life had impacted. I was done giving Preston heart attacks when I would disappear for fourteen hours, claiming I had needed to clear my head. I was done watching as Dale developed more frown and stress lines with each episode and break down I had.

I was done leading Jay on with the idea that I'd be stable enough to build a future with.

Even Sam's life had been altered by the craziness mine brought. I saw her face when my mother and her posse showed up in the kitchen and how she thought we were the biggest bunch of crazies she'd ever seen. My life and mind made sense to no one else; the things I dealt with were things no one else had to go through.

And that was okay with me, honestly it was. But I was tired of feeling like I was a project that needed fixing. I just needed to leave and stop taking away from these peoples' lives.

Jay was better off without me. I knew he would argue and spew all types of promises and sweet nothings about how I was good enough and all this other shit I knew wouldn't convince me to stay. I wished I wasn't broken like this, I wished my aching heart that was telling me to stop packing up my limited amount of belongings was enough to actually make me stop. I wished I could love and not be afraid that I'd ruin everything.

I wished my life had been different; it was as simple as that.

I looked out the window and saw Jay and Preston getting into the truck full of supplies to move all the cows into a new pasture. I knew Sam was in Dallas visiting family and Dale was probably in town like he was every Friday.

I knew it was time to head out. It was best if I just left and didn't give anyone a chance to stop me. I needed to do this. I needed to be independent and I needed to know I could take of myself.