Kissin' Pink | A$AP Rocky

13 | Purple

Crystal Collins

Welp, Cameron's birthday party was a success, and I couldn't ask for a better day.

Well actually I could, considering that I had to hold my tongue for most of it. I really disliked how Rakim thought that it was okay to just bring some random bitch to our son's birthday party. I shouldn't have even let her around my son. Last I checked, I gave birth to him. Not Rakim. The moment I saw him and his little guest approach the table I should have told his ass to leave, and to take his bitch with him.

Obviously he didn't care too much about his son and his party if he thought it was okay to bring some female that I don't know. Fuck all of that 'assistant' shit. The fuck did he need a damn assistant to assist him at his son birthday party for? He can miss me with that bull shit. I know she's more than some damn assistant because I could see it in both of their eyes.

But me? I'm not worried.

I can care less now about what Rakim does. It was a long and hard process, but I can finally say that I am officially over his no good ass. I will give him the credit of being a decent father, but his ass isn't shit as a person. He thinks that just because he's some damn 'Asap Rocky' everyone is just suppose to bow down at his feet and kiss his ass.

Yes, at one point I loved him, but that's the past. So is all of the mistakes I recently made. Right now my main focus is just on me and my son. I'm only focused on doing what ever makes me happy, and doing what's best for Cam. But of course that shit isn't an easy job with him constantly complaining about he wish he lived with his father.

I swear I try so hard to be the best mother that I can be, but I guess it's never good enough.

₪

I let out a long sigh as I removed my hair from out of the bun that it was in. Today was a long day and I badly needed sleep. But of course with Cameron in the other room loud as hell, I couldn't. Since I figured that I would be up for a while, I decided to call my good friend Chanel. Chanel has a son that's close in age with Cameron, and we also work together.

Despite the fact that Cameron was still up, the real reason to why I can't sleep is because I had a lot on my mind tonight. Chanel is the only person I knew I could vent to. Especially at this time of night.

"Hello?" Chanel answered, sounding wide awake.

"Hey bitch," I laughed.

"What's up girl?"

"Nothing. Can't sleep. You?"

"Girl same here! My son won't stop talking about how much fun Cameron's birthday party was."

I could picture Chanel rolling her eyes as I chuckled. "I'm glad he enjoyed himself."

"I'm glad you invited us! We probably would have sat in the house all day."

"No problem!"

"So Crystal girl what's on your mind?"

"A lot girl," I sighed.

"You know I'm all ears."

"Chanel I don't even know where to start."

"Oh but hunny I do! Is Asap Rocky really Cameron's father? I didn't know you had good taste like that Crystal! Is he packing?"

"Seriously Chanel," I sighed. "I'm being serious right now."

"Sorry," she giggled like a little girl, then cleared her throat. "Okay I'm done."

"Chanel I don't know what to do."

"About what?"

"Cameron has been asking me at least five times a day for the past few weeks if he can live with his dad."

"So .. what's the problem?"

"Bitch what do you mean what's the problem?"

"Crystal why are you making shit so difficult? Let the boy live with him and they both can be happy!"

"But what's in it for me? You don't understand how hard I actually try to be a good mother to him. I'm the one feeding him and putting clothes on his back everyday. Not Rakim."

"Crystal I understand where you're coming from, but you just need some time to yourself girl. Letting him live with him is what's best, in my opinion."

"What about his life style though?"

"What about his life style? Crystal there's plenty of celebrities out there who have children and do a damn good job taking care of them. Don't not give Rakim a chance because you think he's going to do a horrible job being a full time parent. Of course if you have a negative mind set, negative things will happen."

I took Chanel's advice into consideration as I thanked her for everything. Chanel can be a hard person to get to be serious when it comes to certain situations, but when she gets serious, she speaks the truth. I don't even know why I even called her. I know I was just going to hear something that I didn't want to hear.

But what she was saying was true. Despite the differences that me and Rakim have, I must do what's best. I remember him saying one time that he was going to get full custody of Cameron legally, but there's no need to bring court into our mess. Just as long as he still give me my rights as his mother, Cameron is all his. Bringing the court into the situation will only shed negative light onto Rakim's carrer.

We can settle our disputes like two grown ass adults instead.

Lately I have been petty I guess you can say these past few months towards Rakim, but only for good reason. Half of the time I only act the way I act to keep my guard up. Rakim was the only guy I probably I ever truly loved. But once his new lifestyle came about, it was too much for me to handle. I reacted terribly, I admit, but I would have never expected him to leave me.

He told me no matter who or what would try to come between us, he promised to always be there for me. I reacted the way I did after the break up because I was hurt. How could the one I was planning the rest of my life with just up and leave, then act as if there was no feelings at all? Do you know how hard that hit me? Especially when Cameron came into the picture?

I didn't want Rakim to treat him the same way. That's why I was being so protective. In addition, Cameron is a spitting image of his ass! Every day I looked at my son all I saw was Rakim. I love my son don't get me wrong, but sometimes I couldn't stand looking at him because I was constantly reminded of the past - that obviously deeply wounded me.

Am I the only human being in the world with feelings?

Soon enough, the pain I felt turned down the wrong path. Since Cameron is obviously too young to understand, and wouldn't be able to deal with me venting to him, I needed to find comfort else where. I turned to men. Three to be exact. That's how many people who could possibly be the father of the baby that I'm carrying. I'm ashamed that I even let it go that far.

And of course telling Rakim didn't make anything better. On top of all of the pain that I was still feeling, he in so many words called me a whore as if he never once had feelings for me. I was starting to believe that he never actually did. Did he forget that he has a child by this 'whore'?

In the end though, I can honestly say that I've had some sense knocked into me, thanks from the help of Chanel. She made me open my eyes and realize how deep I was sinking into this hole before it was too late. She tried getting me to go on dates with a few of her male friends, but I wasn't having it. After the shit I had just went through, I didn't feel good enough for anybody. I felt dirty, and almost even ashamed to be both the mother of the child that I'm carrying now, and Cameron.

I was no longer focused on Rakim. I was no long worried about being set up on dates with Chanel friends. The main thing that I had on my mind was getting the three guys that I unfortunately slept with, to agree to taking a paternity test, raising this baby up right regardless of me being by myself, and to make my first born happy.

But those goals are easier said than done.