Are We Forbidden? (Boy X Boy)

The Day of the Truth

Al's P.O.V

Ah shit. How old is he? He's so cute I could eat him. But, what the hell am I thinking about? I mean, he's a guy for crying out loud! But I can't help it. He's so cute. Is it wrong to want him for myself?

I was on the phone one day. We had a good conversation going. But then things started going the wrong way. I was shouting. "What the fuck are you talking about? You don't mean that!"

"I'm saying what I'm saying. I was just playing around with you. I never really wanted to be committed you know. I'm a fag after all. I was only there for the sex."

I slammed my phone on the table as our conversation ended. I was so devastated. He was special to me and he made me feel special. I thought, if it was with him, I could go on with my daily life. And now, there's nothing left.

I was so angry and frustrated at myself I wanted to die. When I told my parents about finally doing it, my dad stopped me. Mom was crying. Then I found myself talking to different psychiatrists and therapist. I know it was wrong to be thinking about what I was thinking, but I didn't care at that point. There was too much negative emotions within me to say no to those thoughts.

"Al? Is everything alright?" A man's voice echoed through my head. 

"Huh? Ah, sorry. I must've spaced out while thinking about something that had happened to me in the past." I closed my eyes and sighed. I was with my psychiatrist.

"Is that so? Why don't you tell me about it?" Doctor James asked.

"If I told you, you'll be disgusted doc." I told him.

"To be honest, I'm more disgusted with the way you call me. You can just call me James." That was a surprise. You don't really see doctors be that casual or straight forward about their own feelings.

I gave him a small laugh and challenged him with my tone. Whether he believes me or not, grows to be disgusted with me or not, it's all up to him to decide. Nothing I could do to change someone's opinion about me. "Alright then, I guess I could tell you. It's your job after all."

"Tell me everything. It is better this way. Maybe I'll have a better chance at making you understand if I know more about you." He was still smiling. "And yes, it is part of my job."

I sighed and told him what happened. Once I had finished my story, I looked at his face and noticed his eyebrows were raised. Was he suspecting me to be lying? His expression made me look away. I felt guilty and ashamed for telling my story. "How old were you?" I heard James ask.

"I was 17. I know people think it's probably teen hormones that drove me to have sex with him. Maybe it's true. But with what I felt back then, I'm not entirely sure if it was just my hormones." I looked back up at him and gave him a sad smile. "I mean, it's not like he's my first anyway. I just thought maybe there was something different with him that made me do it." When I looked at James's face, his eyes took my attention. His eyes twinkled with both pain and longing. I'll admit it creeped me out that he would look at me in such a way. But his eyes didn't stay in contact with my own for too long. I knew he was looking at my lips, then to my neck, and down to my body. It was the same eyes that he had.

A few seconds later, he probably realized what he was doing and sighed, trying to shake it off as an observation thing. Then he smiled at me. But it wasn't his usual smile that had a calmness about it. It was the smile of someone who had been hurt. Why? Why was it that whenever I saw him smile that way, I would always remember that person? 

"Hey James, how old are you?" I asked him. I had blurted it out. I wasn't even thinking of asking him about it.

"Hm? Why do you ask?" he looked at me once again with those eyes of longing.

"Nothing. Just wondering."

"Oh. I'm 25. Been doing this for three years. People find it unusual to for me to be a psychiatrist at a young age. But I had taken one too many advanced classes just to get what I want early on."

"Seriously? I would've thought you were younger than that if I didn't know you were a psychiatrist. It wouldn't really make sense if someone who I think looks 20 would be a psych right?" I gave him an acknowledging smile and a laugh. He laughed along and looked at me once more. This time his eyes were different. He seemed to be genuinely enjoying what I had said. There was a mixture of joy and sadness in them. I guess this was why he was the best in the field. Not only was he young, but he made you feel special and acts like an actual friend. He was, different. 

I was still trying to understand where my thoughts were coming from. They were confusing. But then my thoughts were interrupted by James's voice. "Well that's it for today." He got up from his chair and patted my back. "Good job opening up today."

"Ah yes. Thank you as well."

I looked at the clock, it was time for me to go. My time was up with James. Organizing my thoughts would have to come later when I get home. "I'll see you tomorrow then."

James nodded and headed for the door, opening it up for me. I stepped out and he closed the door behind me. Then I started walking home, actually feeling better than I had been earlier today.